Caregiving

I’m a new widow. Just 7 or so weeks. I know 3 widowers- my brother is one. But no one will talk with me. A spouse passing is life changing. Is this something men push down in their soul? Thanks for any answers. 

A recent widower and I chatted during a volunteer effort.  He was surprisingly empathetic and kind as a stranger to me.  Goes to show what I have been experiencing in the last 2 years!  I guess the unexpected can happen.  He made a very astute comment about experiencing the loss of his wife to cancer.  Yes, he went through much of the trauma that I and others went through.  The aftermath was hard as well and as he shared “it is hard to get equilibrium back.”  Yes, he is right.  Upon reflection, I have been out of balance and part of the struggle has been getting that equilibrium back.  That means different things to different grievers.  I am still exploring that myself.  I know I need quiet time to reflect and ponder my new single identity.  Still struggling with that word.  I also am making a concerted effort to socialize with individuals I can connect with, communicate without judgement leading to trust and strong socia

Good afternoon.  I know that I haven't been posting or responding much lately but,  I have read every email and messages.  I am just in a bad head space right now. The 1st anniversary of my husband's death is the 23rd of this month. My family is at war and falling apart and I have no clue how to pay any of my bills this month. I just want to stop trying but,  I  know I can't because of my kids. I just feel like no one can understand the place that I am in right now. I'm the sole provider of an adult disabled son and I am barely able to take care of myself right now. I ask my daughter and she will help when it is convenient for her or, I have to go to her.  I just feel that's really not fair.  I understand that she has her own life but, I really don't ask her to do much.  Am I wrong for feeling that way? 

See posts below!!!  🔽

She fell asleep.Her breath rattled. We stood around her, taking turns holding her hand, whispering our love to her. We told each other she needs her rest - the cancer and the covid had ravaged her enough.  I gently rubbed baby lotion on her arm. She no longer flaked, but her skin was like dried sheets of very thin vellum. Why would I think of vellum in this way? Her pores seemed to vacuum the lotion from my fingertips - and I gently cooed how I would give Mom a manicure to help her hands. She didn't respond, but I told her anyway. My baby brother stood nearby, watching our mother's face and the way her abdomen rose and fell with each breath - almost like her body was forcing itself to breath. His eyes were cried out, and I knew his heart shattered as Mom's breath rattled yet again. My sister, holding Mom's other hand, reached for our brother and then she froze. And I froze.And baby bro froze.   there is no more rattlethere is no more forced breat

Hi, all, especially Nicole and Marcy, who recently posted about the right support group.  As I was thinking about the success of my grievance group, which I am happy about, I also remember that initially I joined a number of other support groups as well.  They all didn't fit my needs, particularly shortly after my husband died.  In fact, as posted before, I was pretty much in a daze for several months.  I knew I needed support to find some constructive ways to address my grief, but naively thought all support groups or individuals involved with grieving were equally committed. Not so.  My experience is that it is healthy and natural to experiment during this critical grief period.  The word experiment is actually accurate.  Some interactions will be better than hoped for and others will not.  If you run into situations that are not helpful to you and may in fact be disappointing, don't give up.  Realize, like a date, not all interactions res

Beasley will be 7 months old tomorrow and it also happens to be my son's 24th birthday.  Our boy is growing like a weed and is currently snoozing in his favorite position.  We do have a small problem though,  he has injured his right leg. He has been limping on it. He is not whimpering when I touch it so, hopefully he either stepped on something wrong and just pulled something. Don't worry,  Mom is keeping a good eye on him.  

IIs there any way to find a list of shelters where seniors may go during a hurricane? I have several friends who would not be able to stay in their homes during a bad storm or prolonged power outage.  There must be a list of shelters published by state, county or city governments??

Our Beautiful boy Beasley is a little over 6 months old and already weighs over 40 lbs and getting really long.  Here he is in his favorite position 

This is our typical morning. Get out of bed to come sleep on the couch. They went back to sleep around 7 but I can't. How's that fair, LOL.  

If you are caring for loved ones who are veterans, be sure to find out if they are eligible for any benefits, pensions, or services. The VA can seem complicated so it's great to get help.    The first thing to do is contact the VA Caregiver Support Program at their toll-free number 1-855-260-3274 or visit their website. Explain your loved ones' military service and their current care needs; ask what help might be available.  Be aware that VA programs, benefits, and services vary according to the details of your loved ones' military services (such as dates served, war-time service, disability ranking, etc.) Never assume your loved ones don't qualify - always ask and get all of the facts and details.  You can also contact one of the certified Veterans Service Organizations, local organizations with volunteers who help you navigate the VA, apply for pensions/benefits etc. My parents' estate planning attorneys had a lawyer who focused on benefits and he h

Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's over 10 years ago, I became her POA when a fall as we were going to physical therapy, landed her in the ER so I could be sure she wasn't injured.  Mom couldn't recall any of her medical history, not one thing.  I was established then and there as her POA, medical and financial.  It began a road we travelled with care, kindness, sharp eagle eye for her needs, for more than a decade.  I was 50 when we began the journey, and 62 when she died a year and a half ago.  I assured over the years she had right setting, freedom, and that meant moving from her apartment to independent living, learning that wasn't a fit as she was overwhelmed and did have difficulty cooking in the newer kitchen, a small stove fire, and she had to move.  She came to my family home with me for 6 months as I researched the options, she did qualify for assisted care that was subsidized, the waiting list was a few more months, and she could move there

I'm tired of scam and sales calls on my cellphone and sorry I ever let my old fashioned, hard-wired phone line go.  Now that I'm at home all the time I want that reliable old technology back. I searched the web for providers of that analog service that works even when cell towers aren't working. Everybody us selling either internet based, fiberoptic, or "traditional" service (which means they're giving me a modem that works like the hardwired BUT uses cell towers to send the call). Found a couple of providers that only offer business service/multiple lines but nothing for my home....my home safety. Seniors rely on a good, reliable phone connection as we get more housebound and no one seems to offer this to us. All my research tried to tell me it's an obsolete service because it's more expensive than the cellphone based technology but I'm willing to pay for quality. Does anyone know how I might find such a provider? I live in the South Bay, Los Angeles County, in California...it sh

My second tip: Simplify your Holiday Activities   Because you are caregiving, you may not have the time or energy to "do it all". The pandemic makes it even more complicated this year. If going all out for the holidays will push you over the edge this year, remember that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I Decorations: If you can’t put out all of your decorations, choose a few items that are most significant. You might also ask a friend to decorate the outside of the house - which wouldn't endanger you or your loved ones -  or pay someone to do so. You might find volunteers to do so - check out AARP Community Connections to find a Mutual Aid Group near you where a volunteer might be interested in helping out. If you have a family member or friend whom you trust to have been taking safety precautions and who will wear a mask in the house - ask them to help with inside decorations; you can always rearrange decorations once they are out. When I just can't get out all

Hello all;Over this past year, my mothers incontinence supplies needs have grown expedentially.  I have searched for the best deals on her supplies and normally find Amazon to have the best price, but was wondering if AARP membership benefits offer discounts on these supplies or if fellow members have a better recommendation to find these items.  The ones that seem to work best for her as far as fit and absorbency are the Silhouettes underwear and the Poise x-long pads. Thank you for your time and considerationTwiggy

One of the learnings of this darn pandemic is that all kinds of gatherings can happen online; work meetings, family reunions, and worship. Who knew. For people that have made belonging to a faith community a part of life, there is a real struggle once caregiving becomes a major responsibility. And for the care recipient, it's even harder. So, here are some ideas on how to reintegrate a feeling of worship/church into your Sabbath, or any day or evening.   * Look up your denomination's web site on youtube and see what you find. I'm an Episcopalian, and the Washington National Cathedral youtube channel has a wealth of offerings. If i want to listen to a sermon, there's a section for that. Also for morning prayer and special services like the Lessons & Carols event before Christmas. During the most severe shut down of Spring 2020, my wife and I listened to the entire morning service, which lasts over an hour and has amazing music. A bulletin with all the words allowed us to pray a

My mother falls down pretty often, and my back is really starting to bother me. What can I do to get her back up?

I've just survived living near the largest wildfire in the USA as of now, and out of necessity I've packed a "GO" bag, as in, the absolute essentials needed if i have to evacuate the fire. I was thinking about how handy having a GO bag is under many circumstances, from fire evacuation to going to the emergency room with your loved one. If you have one already packed, you will be so relieved when you get where you're going.   Things to put it in (and update/replace periodically):  * a typed or legibly written list of medical problems and history. Your primary care doc (or her/his medical assistant) can print this out for you at each visit. * a typed or legibly written list of medications, doses, what they are for * a copy of any and all advanced directives, including POLST, living will, durable power of attorney for health care * list of any thing a medical team should know like, your loved one has no spleen, had her armpit lymph nodes taken and so therefore do not do a venipu

When caring for loved ones at home, whether in their home or your home, it's vitally important that you make the home as safe as possible. Here are some things to consider. Use universal design principles to ensure the home is comfortable and safe for people of all ages and abilities. Make any alterations easily adaptable, since needs and abilities change over time. A safe home doesn’t have to be unattractive — modifications can be beautiful and stylish. If you engage a contractor, find one who has proven experience in this arena. You can search for a contractor who has the CAPS designation in the National Association of Home Builders Directory. Also, considers AARP’s HomeFit Guide and HomeFit AR app to walk through the home and determine needed changes. Consider the following improvements: No-step entry. This eases entrance to the home for those who use wheelchairs and walkers and makes it easier to carry medical equipment, groce

I'm a medical social worker, and I have to say that one of the things I hear over and over again from caregivers and patients is: "I never got a call back." From their doctors, or their care-recipient's doctor or other provider. (A lot of primary care providers are physicians assistants or family nurse practitioners, especially in rural areas.) I've worked in hospital settings, as a home hospice social worker, in outpatient clinics for cancer and neurology, and after 6 years as a mental health provider in a rural outpatient primary care clinic, I'm an oncology social worker once again in a medium sized city. Let me tell you how to get the response you need.   If you have a question about the medication that was newly prescribed, do exactly what the prescriber told you to do. If s/he said call, then call, and call twice a day until you get a human who can respond.   If you need a hospital bed or a wheelchair, make an appointment to see the provider in person, or by telehealth

Nearly 60% of all Veterans are eligible for some health care benefits from the VA, but less than half actually are enrolled in VA health care. Women veterans are the least likely group to use their earned benefits.   Why? It may be because of confusion about qualifications and eligibility. It can also be a confusing system and a bit grueling to sign up. But let me tell you - it's worth it! My dad was a veteran, and once I finally got him enrolled and using VA health care benefits it was a game-changer for caring for him!    He eventually received hearing aids, excellent home-based primary care (a game-changer in terms of caring for him at home), home health aides, medications, medical equipment, ramps, respite care, physical therapy, hospice care, and more – all at no cost to him. These supports were crucial for caring for him at home until his death at age 94. Other benefits may include discounted or free adult day health services.    AARP wants to make it eas

Hi everyone, I was fortunate to work with Melinda of the Nursing School at the UW, she is the project coordinator for the Partnering with Your Healthcare Provider resource for caregivers of people living with dementia (PLWD) and other memory problems.  The resource contains a narrated presentation detailing the partnership among a PLWD, their caregiver, and their healthcare provider. The presentation provides tips and tools for making the most of medical appointments that are often too short, overwhelming, and leave caregivers and PLWD confused or unsure about what to do next.  Among these tools are three log sheets—medication, appointment, and care logs—that are demonstrated through two video scenarios to show how they can improve the partnership with healthcare providers.  The resource is available here: https://dpen.nursing.uw.edu/resources/partnering-with-your-healthcare-provider/ Partnering with Your Healthcare Provider was developed in partnership with the Uni

Family caregiving can include a wide range of roles, one of which is helping a loved one manage their finances, or taking over financial management for them. I've done both, and it was one of the most stressful aspects of caregiving for me. There are things I learned along the way that can make your experience much easier. These are some basic tips to help you manage this role.    If your loved ones set up powers of attorney for finances it will make your job much easier. Many people do this as part of their estate planning, and/or when they set up powers of attorney for health care. Having financial power of attorney will enable you to pay bills, access their bank accounts and talk with companies about money owed. etc. An eldercare attorney or estate planning attorney can be very helpful in talking over the various options.  Keep in mind, however, that some companies may not recognize your power of attorney, or require their own power of attorney paperwork to be comple

  Compound Caregiving (caring for multiple people at one time) is tough, but so are caregivers.   If you have any of your own tips and techniques that have helped you care for others successfully, please share them here!

When I started intensive caregiving for my parents, it took a while to get a handle on my parents' financial situation. The first thing I did was to create a spreadsheet that included:   Their income (Social Security, pensions, rent from a property in another state etc.) Their expenses (housing and household, medical/healthcare, personal care/caregiving, animal care, payments on debt, etc.) That gave me an idea of what was coming in and what was going out (and if there was anything left over at the end of the month). It showed me where their highest expenses were and helped me figure out what could be cut back, as well as what would likely increase, like their housing (they moved to a senior community for a few years), medical expenses, healthcare, etc.    The numbers didn't add up. So I looked for ways to increase their income. They started receiving their long-term care insurance benefits and that helped. Later, I applied for Veterans Aid and Attendance benefits for