Grief & Loss

I wanted to share several AHA moments that I had in the last few weeks.  I was surprised that after 2+ years since my husband’s passing, I am feeling more positive and hopeful for the future.  This was gradual. I know that my husband will always be part of my life, but somewhere along the way I lost the anger, guilt, and bitterness.  These were strong emotions.  Regret is still part of my life and primarily wishing he was here to be with me to enjoy some of the better moments.  Being here through the tough moments would also be a relief!  Having said that, one of my griefs share buddies said that he saw a big improvement in my attitude!  I was surprised.  Upon reflection, he was right.  I lost the anger primarily due to actively working to forgive.  Not easy, I just took it one step at a time to avoid self-pity.  I guess the key is to stay alert and try to honestly deal with your challenges. As an example, I recently met a widow at

As I thought about Mother’s Day, I wanted to thank all of those individuals who over the years provided caring and loving support to me at critical times. I think this feeling goes beyond the traditional “Mom” thinking and should extend to others who have made a difference in our lives.  Teachers, mentors, aunts, sisters, neighbors, etc come to mind. So please if you can take some time to reach out to those “Moms” who are with us today. This loving gesture is just what they and you need.  Happy Mother’s Day to all.  Your friend, Sue

Two cautions re passings.We had a friend who experienced the passing of three close relatives in one year.  The stress from the grief was so severe, that he became extremely ill, had to go to the hospital and almost lost his eyesight (from some kind of profound infection from the illness he had).If you experience profound loss, please consider taking a bit of counseling for awhile.The second caution is a bit unusual.  I saw a friend a few days after my father passed.  He said to me, "Be careful driving."  I said, "What? What did you say?"  He said, "Be careful driving."  I thought he was nuts.Later that day, sure enough, I ran a red light and almost killed myself.Apparently, grief has some kind of side effect that it powerful absorbs your thinking...and, I guess your concentration level can slip.  I would not have believed this until I experienced it myself.Sorry for everyone's losses.Take care.

This is what I suffer from....on top of being dx with PTSD. The losses are not the cause of the PTSD....It started with losing my middle daughter at 21 in a horrific car accident...took me 25 years to fully grieve her loss...Between losing my daughter and my second husband on her birthday 13 years later at 54 to lung cancer....I lost my only sister to suicide....and 3 of my closest friends of life....when my husband passed so young I found myself really alone....I tried everything, nothing worked for long....My first husband and I always remained friends since we dated 4 years before we married and had a very tight bond, and my second husband and him liked each other...so when my second husband passed, my first became closer and closer as we used to be...just the friendship , not the relationship...He was a Viet Nam vet who had PTSD when he went in the service and of course Nam made it worse..by 40 his drinking escalated...at one point I couldn't live his life and he couldn't live mine

@SummerOnTheWay1 . Nicole, I just had the greatest 3 hours. My male BFF came into town and I had not seen him since 2016. We spent the last 3 hours together and it was like time rewound itself back 40 years.  That is the best thing that has happened for a long time. It also made me so HAPPY, LOVED and the most awesome time.  I am so glad to say that for the first time, I actually cried from joy and not grief or sorrow.  BEST DAY EVER.

I am enjoying Spring more than I remember.  I am more aware of the small yet sweet signs of Spring reawakening.  Trees sending out blossoms, bulbs shooting up, birds singing their songs, weather becoming warmer.  All signs of life’s rejuvenation.  It will not be the same Spring as prior years, nor should it be.  A new season also called Spring.  I am finding it inspiring that Nature continues despite losses and hardships.  There seems to be an innate spirit to create and prorogate as is necessary to continue life.  I started thinking that is where I am now as well.  I am recreating and rejuvenating.  Like past “Springs” but different.  Not surprising but necessary as I adjust to the new “Season of my Life.”  I am getting out and enjoying these wonders.  Life is responding with resilience and determination, despite setbacks of cold weather, pests, predators, etc.  Like us.  I am striving for that natural harmony

Here he is in his favorite position and all his glory.   

It has been a while since I posted on the AARP Grief Forum.  Like everything else since my husband died, the experience has been difficult, lonely, and sometimes unexpected. I am at a stage where I am now starting to redefine my new single identity.  Not easy and the only advice I can give is to stay true to yourself and interact with like-minded individuals if you can.  That has worked for me.  I am also venturing out with married individuals and that has been a challenge in some cases. What works is finding an activity that you enjoy and find folks that share your interests.  Social events can be tricky if there is only “idle” chit chat or complaints about their married lives.  I often feel like saying that this is their time to enjoy each other and not take anything for granted.  Of course, I bite my tongue and do not say it.  What a waste of precious time together for them.  Unfortunately, I probably was guilty of that as well to some ex

@SummerOnTheWay1. Nicole,  thanks for checking in on me. I know that I haven't posted or responded in a long time and I am sorry.  I am going through a really rough patch right now. I am very depressed, angry and anxious all at once. There is just a lot going on with my family and my Mom. We had an appointment for her at the memory clinic and she didn't do well. We now have to go for an MRI of her brain.  She has been diagnosed with mild dementia and other unknown cognitive disorders. My Mom is the only parent that I have left and I will always be there for her. My brother is retiring from the fire department and is probably moving to Florida as soon as possible so that he doesn't have to be responsible for anything to do with her but, he will quickly get back to get her money when God calls her home. It's sad to say that he has always wanted that upper class status. Maybe that's why he is on his fourth wife. I also want to thank everyone else who has messaged me and sho

So, I live in Maryland and just received a weather alert that the storm system moving through Texas is headed our way. Warnings indicate heavy rain,  wind and the chance of tornadoes.  We have had SO much rain that if they try to say we have a shortage this summer that I literally would like to go through the TV and choke the first one who says it,  LOL. 

Greeting, I'm starting my grief journey and now in my fourth week. The house is empty as is much of my day.  How long does the loneliness last?  I do talk to friends and family but its not the same. Bill

My husband died a week before Christmas, and I don't know how to cope with it. It seems to get harder everyday. We were married for 40 years, it hurts so much what do I do

Two Beautiful Moving Eulogies1) Cher movingly eulogizes her ex-husband, who tragically died in a skiing accident.You can find it on You Tube, by searching this title:  "CNN-SONNY BONO FUNERAL-1/9/98-CHER EULOGY"++++2) Kevin Costner eulogizes his co-star and close friend, Whitney HoustonYou can find it on You Tube, by searching this title:  "Kevin Costner Whitney Houston's Funeral You'll Be Good Enough"Beautiful and moving.  They met while making the movie.  Both preacher's kids, they shared stories and became close friends. 

My husband of 43 years passed away on Christmas morning here in our home. He had heart disease but was recently assured by his doctors at Stanford that he would feel much better after undergoing a valve replacement procedure that was scheduled for Jan. 12th. His death was a real shock to me as I spoke with him only 20 minutes before he passed. I gave him CPR until the paramedics arrived and worked on him for 45 minutes, but he could not be revived. I am doing pretty well during the day, but around 4:30 in the evening I feel very lonely and anxious about my future to the point that I feel shaky inside. This goes on for the next four hours or so. I am sleeping well because I am getting up around 5 or 5:30 every morning. Does anyone have any ideas on how to stop my mind from going out of control?

I think The Final Goodbye is the hardest, and most challenging part of an impending passing. I realized I was stuffing this inside of me. That I wasn't there at the exact time of death. A half hour late. I was wondering how others are dealing with their Final Goodbyes.  

Volunteering, like joining a grief support group, is an important question and ultimately a personal decision.  A lot depends on whether you are ready to become a volunteer and what you are interested in doing.  Try something you would enjoy and see if it works.  Recognize your strengths and limitations.  If you are home-bound, there are virtual volunteer activities out there that are rewarding.  See how it goes.  If it works, good.  If not, feel free to see what would be a better fit for you.  Like most things I experienced on this grievance journey, there are no right or wrong answers.  Like the road we are all traveling, there may a need for a course correction to get a better feel for what we want to do with our time and interests.  Good luck to all.  Sue

I highly recommending subscribing to Good News, an online periodical.  Cannot really remember subscribing, but there it was one day.  Another random act?  I have many over the last few years, and often from unexpected strangers (perhaps Angels?).  They have made a difference and often helped me see my situation differently and kindlier.  The word “kind” is a gentle word with much in depth meaning.  The article I received today from Good News points out the history of Random Acts of Kindness, its origins in California, and how to sustain the “good” feeling throughout the year.  Ironically, the best thing for me as one grieving my lifelong soulmate has been becoming a comforter, friend, and welcomer.  I gradually evolved into that role, and it helps me see the world from a bigger picture.  Gratitude and generosity make a difference.  I started one tiny step at a time, often anonymously but always feeling better later.  Humility has h

I decided to reach out to my Partner in Loss group in case they have any special interests or needs as we approach this day.  I was primarily thinking of any additional support from the rest of us. Like many of the other previous holidays since my husband died, I have to admit I really don’t remember how or if I celebrated the day of our “engagement.”  This year, I am feeling more aware of the holidays and am now thinking of Valentine’s Day or V-Day as a close friend of mine coined.  It is an interesting way to look at the day. V-Day reminds me more about victory over a war. Perhaps this day is a victory as well.  Victory over the great pain of loss?  Don’t know. I say that knowing that the pain only morphs or softens in some way, but will always be there.  I’d be interested in knowing how you view V-Day and if you want to share any meaning or activity you have planned. If you don’t, that’s ok too.  Have a good weekend.  Your friend, Sue 💕

I have recently been trying to identify purpose and meaning in my new solo life.  That is an interesting way to frame my life – new, solo.  You probably can feel a certain amount of sorrow in those words, and you would be right.  I am starting to read and attend workshops on this important issue for me.  I wanted to share a breakthrough I had the other day.  Rather than reflecting on my current state, I need to circle back to my basic needs and values.  There is a very insightful article from the Center “Transform Within” which in my view lays out a roadmap for enhancing wellbeing and health. I highly recommend that you read the article.  Since I am not tech savvy, I unfortunately don’t know how to tag it for this post. The article is entitled “The 7 Universal Needs: Are You Honouring Yours?”.  It recognizes that “a need is really a life serving motivation”, including connection, meaning, honesty, play, autonomy, peace and physical well-being.&nb

I’m a new widow. Just 7 or so weeks. I know 3 widowers- my brother is one. But no one will talk with me. A spouse passing is life changing. Is this something men push down in their soul? Thanks for any answers. 

A recent widower and I chatted during a volunteer effort.  He was surprisingly empathetic and kind as a stranger to me.  Goes to show what I have been experiencing in the last 2 years!  I guess the unexpected can happen.  He made a very astute comment about experiencing the loss of his wife to cancer.  Yes, he went through much of the trauma that I and others went through.  The aftermath was hard as well and as he shared “it is hard to get equilibrium back.”  Yes, he is right.  Upon reflection, I have been out of balance and part of the struggle has been getting that equilibrium back.  That means different things to different grievers.  I am still exploring that myself.  I know I need quiet time to reflect and ponder my new single identity.  Still struggling with that word.  I also am making a concerted effort to socialize with individuals I can connect with, communicate without judgement leading to trust and strong socia

Good afternoon.  I know that I haven't been posting or responding much lately but,  I have read every email and messages.  I am just in a bad head space right now. The 1st anniversary of my husband's death is the 23rd of this month. My family is at war and falling apart and I have no clue how to pay any of my bills this month. I just want to stop trying but,  I  know I can't because of my kids. I just feel like no one can understand the place that I am in right now. I'm the sole provider of an adult disabled son and I am barely able to take care of myself right now. I ask my daughter and she will help when it is convenient for her or, I have to go to her.  I just feel that's really not fair.  I understand that she has her own life but, I really don't ask her to do much.  Am I wrong for feeling that way? 

See posts below!!!  🔽

She fell asleep.Her breath rattled. We stood around her, taking turns holding her hand, whispering our love to her. We told each other she needs her rest - the cancer and the covid had ravaged her enough.  I gently rubbed baby lotion on her arm. She no longer flaked, but her skin was like dried sheets of very thin vellum. Why would I think of vellum in this way? Her pores seemed to vacuum the lotion from my fingertips - and I gently cooed how I would give Mom a manicure to help her hands. She didn't respond, but I told her anyway. My baby brother stood nearby, watching our mother's face and the way her abdomen rose and fell with each breath - almost like her body was forcing itself to breath. His eyes were cried out, and I knew his heart shattered as Mom's breath rattled yet again. My sister, holding Mom's other hand, reached for our brother and then she froze. And I froze.And baby bro froze.   there is no more rattlethere is no more forced breat

Hi, all, especially Nicole and Marcy, who recently posted about the right support group.  As I was thinking about the success of my grievance group, which I am happy about, I also remember that initially I joined a number of other support groups as well.  They all didn't fit my needs, particularly shortly after my husband died.  In fact, as posted before, I was pretty much in a daze for several months.  I knew I needed support to find some constructive ways to address my grief, but naively thought all support groups or individuals involved with grieving were equally committed. Not so.  My experience is that it is healthy and natural to experiment during this critical grief period.  The word experiment is actually accurate.  Some interactions will be better than hoped for and others will not.  If you run into situations that are not helpful to you and may in fact be disappointing, don't give up.  Realize, like a date, not all interactions res