SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

The Best Gunfighter

Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."

"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Definitely," said the old man.

Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"

"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much."

Good Night, Good Bye

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

The father said, "Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this -- "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

My goodness, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

  GONORRHEA LECTIM : VERY DANGEROUS

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virtulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonerrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em", and it is a terrible disease.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted the disease in 2008....but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called "Votemout". You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

Please pass this message on to all those bright folk you really care about, I just did. 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

AGE IS IMPORTANT ONLY IF YOU'RE CHEESE !      

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

                 lets join ok  -  lol 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Nell, I'm right behind you in line...LOL   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A Professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said," Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." 

It took 45 mintes to restore order in the classroom!

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz

thanks I snag a copy of this to e mail to my Jim he will get a buzz out of it

The Best Gunfighter

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

BonnieC10

        AARP Village People 

Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA

- Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

- Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

- Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

- Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

- Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

- (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

- I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

- Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).