SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by susanb579

Thanks Susan..... welcome !     

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Do not argue with an idiot...

he'll drag you down to his level,

and beat you with experience.   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

MIRROR, MIRROR SHINY GLASS.......

TELL ME THAT IS NOT MY A$$ !    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie thanks 

 profile photo this is what an old gal LOOKS like

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennyslvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench...

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at him and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine told the man again, "Sir, as I said yesterday, "Mr.Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying.. "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama...I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said....

"See you tomorrow, Sir !"

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                Let's just offend EVERYONE !

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I've not eaten for two days."

I told him, "I wish I had your #%! ing will power!"

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said, "Sorry about the wait."

I said, "Don't worry fatty, your bound to lose it eventually."

Snow is in the forecast. The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself..."Fat chance with a face like that!"

I have a new chat up line that works every time...It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes.  "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"      

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

   Bonnie and all- A happy 1-11-11 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Actual comments made by So. Carolina State Troopers, taken from their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.."

2.  "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile."

3.  "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document !" 

4.  "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5.  "Can you run faster than 1200 ft. per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6.  "You don't know how fast you were going?? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Trooper comments cont.:

7.  "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8.  "Warning ! You want a warning? O.K. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket !"

9.  "The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or sober. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10.  "Yeah, I have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

And the winner is......

"You didn't think we gave tickets to pretty girls? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down..

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a !" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town,he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-a-a-a" " and rode off.

What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered, "I merely sat behind him on the horse. Put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."