SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue I hear you lol

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more...

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and went out, Heaven knows where...

Then he began to load the sleigh, and one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all of the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten the straw off the end of the broom..

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully. "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree..  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"Twas the night Before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry...

Our punch bowl held prune juice, plus three drops of sherry.

A bed sock was taped to each walker in hope,

 That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts...

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row...

Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive.. the joy wouldn't stop...

Was creamy warm oatmeal, with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O , so jiggly and great..

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games..

Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What is Your Name?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats..

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair...

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow..

Made outdoors seem noon time to the residents below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter,

But we were so deaf that it just didn't matter.

A strange little fellow flew in through the door...

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

"Twas just our director, all togged out in red...

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived..

Our Social Security checks had arrived.

We sang...how we sang.. in our monotone croak..

Till the clock tinkled out it's soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggled deep into our beds..

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest...

"fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

DEAR SANTA:

I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty this year, and it was worth it!    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Christmas at Rock-Away Rest... lol

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"Twas the night before Christmas, and Santa was pissed !

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list..

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks..

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my a$$ for damn near a year..

Instead of "Thanks Santa"... what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.

Rudolf got drunk and goosed all the maids..

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better..

Those A--h---s from the IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes...if that ain't damn funny!

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days---they are all the pits,

They want the impossible--those mean little shi-s !

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds....

Assembling dolls, their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yo-yo's.. No request for them.

They want computers and robots..they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air..dodging the trees...

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment..

I'll sit on my fat a$$ and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year, now you know the reason...

I found me a blonde, I'm going SOUTH for the season !    HO-HO-HO !    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

        YOU CAN'T STEAL MY CHRISTMAS !

I don't know who they are..

Saying I can't greet the crowd..

The way I want to,

Can't say CHRISTMAS out loud.

I walk into a business place..

See things that I'd rather not see..

But dare I not say CHRISTMAS

And have to ask for a "holiday" tree !

What happened to freedom of speech..

And living in the land of the free..

How can they take my CHRISTMAS money..

But can't say MERRY CHRISTMAS to me.

Men and women have given their lives..

So we could still go free..

I wonder how they would feel.

At saying "HOLIDAY" tree ?

Come on AMERICA, let's wake up

Don't let our freedom escape.

If they get by with doing this...

What else will they take?

This is starting to get out of hand,

And I've begun to keep track..

Well I've just about had enough...

I'M TAKING CHRISTMAS BACK !!

so.........

                MERRY CHRISTMAS AMERICA !!

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

If a fat man grabs you and puts you in a bag...don't worry, I told Santa I wanted a new friend for Christmas  .  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Maxine says:

"I don't really wanna know what that is frozen into guys' mustaches this time of year.." 

"I wish I may, I wish I might...

Find Mel Gibson in my stocking

tonight.   

"This year I'm not planning to watch any holiday parades...

NAhhhh..I'm just gonna eat so much fudge that I become my own float."     

MERRY STINKING CHRISTMAS!

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Thanks for the chuckles, that is a good one, I might have to steal it and make it my own !!!