SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?"

"Coffee's a quarter!" I told him.

"Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil."  lol nell

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A woman is taking a shower. There is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" ...  "Blind man."...  The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds lady?"     

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am,." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy-four." The man says, "How can you tell?"  The woman says, "You told me yesterday."    

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, "How do you .like it up here?" The priest says, "If it wasn't for my Rosary and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost." Bishop, would you like a martini?"

"Yes,"  ..."Rosary, get the bishop a martini."      

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.

"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No, thank you," Maxine replies. "Alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that, do they swell?"

To that Maxine replies.... "No, they spread !"  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I was out walking with my grandson. He picked up something off the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took it from him and asked him not to do that.

"Why" my grandson asked.

"Because it's been on the ground and you don't know where it's been and it's dirty and probable has germs on it." I said.

At his point my grandson looked at me and with total admiration asked, "How do you know all that stuff?  You are so smart!"

I was thinking quickly and said to him, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the grandma's test. You have to know it or they don't let you be a grandma."

We walked along for 2-3 minutes and then he said, "Oh, I get it!  If you don't pass the test, you have to be a grandpa!"  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Prayer is the best way to meet the Lord....

But trespassing is even faster !     

Tee Shirt.......

"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up...  

Fortune cookie message:

"That was not chicken!"           

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Prayer is the best way to meet the Lord....I agree

But trespassing is even faster ! l never thought of it that way  lol      

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

No, thank you," Maxine replies  

Jim will like this one   lol 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting !  

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO" the blonde yelled back...... "IT"S A SCARF !"        

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House..carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said, "Nice pigs, Sir."

The President replied, " These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,....................

"Excellent trade, sir."

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher and before school started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the stapler and stapled it to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year....

SEMPER FI