SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A flea goes to a travel agent in NYC and says, "I have a week off . What kind of vacation can you set me up with? I'd like to go somewhere warm and sunny."

The agent says, "Oh, I have just the vacation spot for you! Ringo Starr's hair ... he's going to the Carribean, you'll love it."

Four days later the flea returns looking disgusted. That's not for me, he never leaves his room, just sits and plays music and never goes out. I want to be outside !"

"I know," says the travel agent," how about Monte Carlo in Omar Shariff's mustache?'  "Okay I'll give it a try" says the flea.

Three days later he's back.... " Nah!  He never leaves his room either, and he smokes..ugh!!" I want to be outside in the sun!"

The agent replies, "I just had a cancellation...how about Cannes in Bridget Bardot's muff?"  The flea perks up, "That sounds terrific, I'll take it!"

Four days later he's back.....  The travel agent says, "WHAT?...... didn't you like it?"   The flea responded, "Hell yes, it was the best vacation I ever had. We laid out in the sun listening to music all warm and cozy. It was great!"

"Then why are you back?? asked the agent.

"It was terrific at first, but in three days I was back in Omar Shariff's mustache!"    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Two Alabama rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come to a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom . I wonder how deep it is."

The second humter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over, and count,and two and three, and throw it in the hole....

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the bushes, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they standing there looking at each other, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," the farmer says, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here did you?

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

MAXINE SAYS:

"They hold elections in November, because it's the best time for picking out a turkey."

"How's this for a political platform? Don't lie through your teeth !"

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Three little old ladies were attending a rather lonnnnng church service....

One leaned over and whispered, "My butt's going to sleep!"

"I know," replied the other, "I heard it snore three times !"   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

American Lindsay Vonn, has to forfeit her gold medal. The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal and given it to US President Barack Obama.

Olympic Officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone down hill faster than he has.

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish....

"I want to live forever." I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that !"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their a$$es!"

"You crafty !*@%*!, " said the fairy.    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I met a fairy today that would grant me 1 wish 

I want to meet him also. lol      just-nell 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

        THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS

Things I Love About Bill

by Hillary Clinton

My Black Girlfriends

by Tiger Woods

Guide to Dating Etiquette

by Mike Tyson

Things I Cannot Afford

by Bill Gates

Things I Love About Hillary

by Bill Clinton

To All The Men I've Loved Before

by Ellen Degeneres & Rosie O'Donnell

My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy

by Nancy Pelosi

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Two old guys talking... One said to the other, "My 85th Birthday was yesterday. My wife gave me an SUV. The other guy says, "WOW ! that's great. Imagine an SUV ! what a great gift...

The first guy says, "YUP !   Socks, underwear, and viagra!"     

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Henny Youngman on Homeless Guys Jokes:

A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday."

I asked, "When's payday?"

He said, "I don't know, you're the one working."

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!"

I said, "You should force yourself."

Another bum told me, " I haven't tasted food all week."

I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."

Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?"

"Coffee's a quarter!" I told him.

"Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil."

I was walking down the street and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match."... "Why didn't you just ask me?" "I don't want to talk to strangers."