SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground which said:

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE !

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say,   "Bridge out?"    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Rev.Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say...

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania, Australia.

With his dummy one his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting..

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people !  Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells..................

"You stay out of this, mate!  I'm talking to that little sh..t on your lap!!"         

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells~ lol

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

LADIES...GET THOSE MAMMIES GRAMMED !

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like, so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tally whacker....

The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"

And he replied, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator!"     

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

YOU KNOW YOU ARE TOO OLD TO TRICK OR TREAT WHEN:

10.   YOU GET WINDED FROM KNOCKING ON THE DOOR.

9.     YOU HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER KID CHEW THE CANDY FOR YOU.

8.      YOU ASK FOR HIGH FIBER CANDY ONLY.

7.       WHEN SOMEONE DROPS A CANDY BAR IN YOUR BAG, YOU LOSE YOUR BALANCE AND FALL OVER.

6.        PEOPLE SAY;  " GREAT BORIS KARLOFF MASK" AND YOU;RE NOT WEARING A MASK.

5.        WHEN THE DOOR OPENS YOU YELL, "TRICK OR TREAT" AND CAN'T REMEMBER THE REST.

4.       BY THE END OF THE NIGHT ,YOU HAVE A BAG FULL OF RESTRAINING ORDERS.

3.       YOU HAVE TO CAREFULLY CHOOSE A COSTUME THAT WON'T DISLODGE YOUR HAIRPIECE.

2.       YOU'RE THE ONLY POWER RANGER IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH A WALKER.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON SENIORS SHOULD NOT GO TRICK OR TREATING......

1.      YOU KEEP HAVING TO GO HOME TO PEE!            

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road in Willmar, Minnesota. He was hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm... Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door' only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel and no sound of the engine could be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown.

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchiker was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand appear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to death,had all he could take and he jumped out of the car and ran into town, into Wilmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and with his voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey. He told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the barroom and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth.

About a half hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look, Bob, there's that idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it in the rain."  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

This out of state traveler...sooo funny  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on the commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing , he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in an undressed to take a shower. Before getting into the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-so-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat! They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the comode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped herself in a sheet and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her..... ( try to picture that)

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one MOUNTED AND FRAMED !!! "