SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

                  REDNECK MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

ARTERY:    The study of paintings.

Bacteria:    Back door to cafeteria.

Barium:      What doctors do when patients die.

Benign:      What you be after you be eight.

Caesarean Section:   A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat Scan:   Searching for kitty.

Cauterize:   Made eye contact with her.

Colic:         A sheep dog.

Coma:        A punctuation mark.

Dilate:       To live long.

Enema:       Not a friend.

Fester:      Quicker than someone else.

Fibula:       A small lie.

Impotent:   Distinguished, well known.

Labor pain:  Getting hurt at work.

Medical staff: A doctor's cane.

Morbid:       A higher offer.

Nitrate:      Rates of pay for working at night.

Node:         I knew it !

Outpatient:   A person who has fainted.

Pelvis:         Second cousin to Elvis.

Post op:       A letter carrier.

Recovery room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum:        Nearly killed him.

Secretion:     Hiding something.

Tablet:        A small table.

Terminal Illness:  Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor:             One plus one more.

Urine:              Opposite of you're out.

I think that I will never see....

A billboard lovely as a tree...

Perhaps unless the billboards fall....

I'll never see a tree at all.

Ogden Nash

"Song of the Open Road"   1933

                            A REDNECK LOVE POEM

Susie Lee done fell in love,

She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all,

She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal..

You'll have to find another..

I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know...

But Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe,

And planned to marry Will..

But after telling Pappy this,

He said, "There's trouble still."

You can't marry Will my gal,

And please don't tell yo' Mother..

But Will and Joe and several more

I know, is your half brother.

But mama knew and said, "My child,

Just do what makes yo' happy....

Marry Will, or marry Joe..

You ain't no kin to Pappy !"    

Three women apply for the same job.

They appear in front of a panel  to be interviewed.

The panel tell each  applicant that they will give them each $10,000 and they are to spend the money and report back to t he  panel.

A month later, the first woman appeared.

"How did you spend t he money" they asked

She    replied, " I used the money to take a t rip around the world, I saw many different cultures and comunicated with  people all over the world! I feel t his will benefit the company because  I now have understanding of international workplace.

The panel thanks the woman and she leaves.

The second woman appears and asked the same question.

I used the entire $10,000 to buy a new wardrobe so  t hat I may represent this company in a professional and businesslike  manner. I also bought a PC and phone,  so I may be contacted anytime, anywhere  for business matters.

The panel thanks the woman and she leaves.

The third woman appears and is asked "How did you spend the money?".

The third  woman says she spent the $10,000 by investing in the stock market!  She was successful and she gives  $10,000 back to the panel and keeps $10,000 she has made for herself!.

Now, Which of the three women was hired?  

The one with the biggest boobs, of course!!!

,<)

                   HONEY BUCKET SLOGANS

Get a 'load' of these:

You dump it, we'll pump it.

You sh-- it, we'll get it.

We haul milk on the weekends.

Yesterday's meals on wheels.

Back off ! We ain't haulin' milk.

Got poop ?

Your #2...is our # 1.

Another load of Politicians' promises.

Satisfaction guranteed, or 110% of your product back !

A flush, beats a full house !

The Turd Bugular

Caution: This truck contains Obama's Stimulous package.

I knew I was going bald, when it was taking me longer and longer to wash my face....

I knew the romance was dead, when I drank champagne out of the old girls slipper, and choked on a Dr. Scholl's foot pad.

One day you look in the mirror and realize the face you're shaving is your father's.

Laugh a little every day. It's better than chicken soup !

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with family and friends.....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied.... "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all of the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer....   $15. ( If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

A State Trooper pulls over a motorist, leans into the vehicle and says, "Any drugs or alcohol?"

The motorist replies, "No thanks, I've got everything."

The word 'vegetarian' is an old Indian word for Bad Hunter.

The secret of enjoying a good wine:

1.  Open the bottle and let it breathe.

2.  If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth.

Some days the best thing about my job, is that the chair spins...

Reading, is how people install new software in their brains.

A husband lay dying, his wife by his bedside...

He says in a weak voice, "There is something I want to confess. I had sex with your best friend, and your best friend's mother."

"I know," said the wife. "That's why I poisoned you... now just close your eyes."

Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car, when a bunch of rowdy punks pulled up along side of them.

"Hey, show us what ye got, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Mother Immaculata and say, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts...

"Screw off ye little frookin' wonkers, before I come over there and rip ye balls off!" 

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,

" Was that cross enough?"