SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

Seems this elderly couple in their 70s went to the  clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.  When the counselor asked, "Why do you feel that you should be tested at your age, the old man answered.

       He said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!" 

 

Welcome JOyce 1 ...Thanks for posting. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU AND YOURS.

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY Happy New Year!!:

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:       Seems this elderly couple in their 70s went to the  clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.  When the counselor asked, "Why do you feel that you should be tested at your age, the old man answered.        He said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"      Posted by J0yce1

We went out to dinner New Years Eve and had every intention of watching the ball drop, but slept through it. We woke up and couldn't figure out what was taking them so long. It was after midnight for goodness sake, what were they thinking??

We still have our Christmas decorations in (Epiphany you know) the tree needles are starting to drop and I can honestly say I am sick of Christmas and would like to vacuum again without sucking the tree skirt up the Rainbow....

The wind did a number on everybody's outside decorations, so everything is slightly askew, and the lights on the trees are beginning to take on the shapes of wild animals and things. There's a giraffe out back and we also have an enormous hand flipping off the guy across the street.

We have a table full of loftover stuff accumulated since Christmas ( cookies,candy and other assorted goodies that needs to go far away...) Must be what an alcoholic feels like around drinkers...you really want some, but you know you shouldn't!  I have a sinus infection brewing I think, the cat just threw up on the rug, and I'm on the tail end of menopause. You have such wonderful things to look forward to. I still have PMS every month, but nothing happens. I have hot flashes that would heat up Fenway Park, and for some reason sometimes just my eyelids and the palms of my hands sweat...water running off kind of sweat...I should wear gloves and eye patches all the time. Well here's to 2014 !  Cheers !

A preacher said to a 6 yr.old boy, "So, your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's commmendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, " Thank God he's in bed!"

                                   FUNNY FACTS

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

A cockroach will live 9 days without its' head before it dies.

Banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

A cats' urine glows under a black light.

Polar Bears are left handed.

Starfish have no brains.

Some lions mate 50 times a day.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching,and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker ( who also happened to be the local postmaster) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that she had selected, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected, was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request. For days he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker alowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

' RETURNED UNOPENED'

I made myself a snowball...

As perfect as could be.

I thought I'd keep it as a pet...

And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas,

And a pillow for it's head...

Then last night it ran away...

But first it wet the bed !

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL .....

                                      NEW YEAR'S WISHES

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist,cardiologist,your gastro-enterologist,urologist,proctologist,podiatrist,psychiatrist,your plumber and the I.R.S!

May your hair,teeth,face-lift,abs,and your stocks not fall. and may your blood pressure,triglycerides,cholestrol,your whit count and mortgage interest not rise.

May New Years' Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others soo in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make thier sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance.. and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say, "I Love You" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals,every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

                                            2014 !

                             HAPPY NEW YEAR ♥♥

                         RANDOM RAMBLINGS

Music is what feelings sound like...

A pretty face is nothing

If you have an ugly heart..

Remember,  your present situation

is not your final destination..the

best is yet to come.

"I have wept in the night

For the shortness of sight..

That to somebody's need

Made me blind.

But I never have yet,

Felt a tinge of regret..

For being a little too kind !

In Response to Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

Smulowitz, aged 83 and widowed, refused to be placed in  just ANY  Miami Beach old-aged home, " I   won't eat anthing," he declared to his son, " unless it's strictly kosher!":.

The son searched for weeks, and finally found a place that served meals in accordance with Jewish dietary laws. He placed Smulowitz in the  home, secure in the knowledge that his father would be eating only Kosher food.

Three days later, he came to visit and learned that the old man had left and checked into the Fountainebleau Hotel!

The boy rushed over to the hotel, got a key, went upstairs, opened the door, and there was his father with a blonde. They were both stark naked!

" Papa,how could you?" asked the bewildered son.

"But look,' siad Smulowitz, " I'm not eating!"

       ,<)

                                        If You Live in Maine

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from Sept. to May,

You live in Maine.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there...

You live in Maine.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time...

You live in Maine.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number..

You live in Maine.

If you measure distance in hours ...

You live in Maine.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once...

You live in Maine.

If you have switched from heat to A/C in the same day, and back again...

You live in Maine.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching....

You live in Maine.

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked...

You live in Maine.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them...

You live in Maine.

If you design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit...

You live in Maine.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow...

You Live in Maine.

If you know all four seasons :    Almost winter

                                               Winter

                                               Still winter

                                               Road construction

You live in Maine.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car...

You live in Maine.

If you find 10 degrees a little 'chilly'...

You live in Maine.

Jeff Foxworthy