SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1,000.

The thieves took 1 large box of popcorn, a combo meal and a box of Milk Duds.

Ever wonder why there is a 'stairway to Heaven'....

And a road to Hell?

There is apparently more traffic going to Hell....

Two men were talking, "So how is your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special... I'm having pension sex..."

"Pension sex??"

"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session....

"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home."

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."  Nearly 75 years ago, ( when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, light up a Camel, this is the Pormised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land. ! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds etc. I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck....... Folks we're screwed !

By Maxine

                                                UP NORTH

It's the place people go to escape,

A place made of cabins, pine trees and lakes.

But no matter how far you drive,

There's no sign to say "You've arrived."

So just follow your heart 'till you find,

Your special place that brings peace of mind.

As you breathe in the air and unwind..

Your cares are all left behind.

It's no mystery where

the Northwoods start,

When you arrive up North,

You'll know in your heart.

Suzanne Kindler

A Muslim immigrant goes to a doctor and says, "I feel terrible."

The Doctor examines him and then says, "You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for 3 days."

The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says, "I feel wonderful! What was wrong with me?"

Ready????.......

The doctor said, "You were homesick."

It was entertainment night at the senior citizen center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hynotist!

Claude explained That he was going to put the whole audience into a trance...

The excited chatter dropped to a silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude. "It is a special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations."

He bgan to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch-Watch the watch- Watch the watch."

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth and they were hynotized.

Then suddeny the chain broke !  The beautiful watch fell to the floor and burst apart on impact.

'SH--'!!   said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the senior center, and Claude was never asked back there again.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF.......

You think 'possum is the 'other white meat'.

You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas.

You can't take a bath in the winter, 'cause the stream is frozen.

Your gun cabinet takes up half of the living room.

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because of the weight of your pocket knife.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

                                          HONEY BUCKETS

Get a 'load' of these:

You dump it, we'll pump it.

You sh-- it, we'll get it!

We haul milk on the weekends.

Yesterdays Meals on Wheels

Back off !  We ain't haulin' milk.

Got poop?

Your number 2, is our number 1.

Another load of Politicians promises

Satisfaction, or 110% of your product back.

A flush beats a full house!

The Turd Burgular

Contains Obama's Stimulous package.

                       HAPPY VETERAN'S DAY !!

A big cyber welcome to our newest friend;

Waynecoe

May many smiles come your way.

The haunting melody that we know as "Taps" ..used at military funerals, was born of a piece of paper found in the pocket of a dead youth's uniform. The first stanza goes.......

Day is done...

Gone the sun...

From the lakes,

From the hills,

From the sky,

All is well....

Safely rest...

God is nigh.

                              GOD BLESS AMERICA !

A man goes to the barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves.... He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves.....

He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?"  "Six." The man leaves and , and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house !"