SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I disagree with Kay jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understnad a word they said.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

RELATIVE JOKES :

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport...

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

My son complains about headaches,. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first !

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

My brother was a life guard in a car wash...

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras.. They all go 'crick'.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. He gift wraps it, and puts it into an unlocked car.

Black jokes and Mexican jokes are about the same.....

Once you've heard Juan...

You've heard Jamal..   

5 RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1.  Forgive your enemy, but remember the b------'s name.

2. Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes, than on a bike.

3.  Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they are in trouble again...

4.  Many people are alive, only because it is illegal to shoot them.

5.  Alcohol does not solve problems, but then again neither does milk..!

My wife has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said," There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down. So what did I do? I bought her an electric chair..."

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in !"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week, she learned how to aim it."

Henny Youngman

To all my fruitcakes....

DEAR SANTA:

I don't want much for Christmas this year. I just want the person reading this to be happy. Friends are like fruitcake in life.

Some are nutty, some are soaked in alcohol, and some are sweet. But mix them all together, and they're my friends.

Send this to all of your fruitcakes.

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship, holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me madam....I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know." said the lady.

"I need both hands to hold onto my hat."

"But Madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties, and your privates are exposed!"  said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday !"   

NOTICE TO ALL :

When posting a joke, please add to this page, rather than beginning a new thread each time. Just click on "reply" at the upper right hand side.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY, HEALTHY NEW YEAR TO ALL !!

T'was the night before Christmas, in Texas you know...

Way out on the prarie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue..

A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and like you.

Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,

For this was Texas, what more need to be said?

When all of a sudden from out the still night,

There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright !

And I saw cross the prarie, like the shot from a gun,

A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run...

The driver was 'whistling' and 'shouting' with a will..

The "Horses",  ( not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck,Poncho and Prince, to the right...

There'll be plenty of travelin' for you-all tonight."

The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red..

Had a 10-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight...

With his beard so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,

And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore..

That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,

He asked in whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well , what do you think?

And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.

Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl.....

TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS...........

      MERRY CHRISTMAS       Y'ALL !!!

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late...but he was a good worker..really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded, a real credit to the company and, obviously, was good at demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I'm working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though- your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late?"

"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee sir?" 

A fellow is opening the morning mail and says, "Honey, our lawyer wishes us ,but in no way guarantees, a Merry Christmas."

MAXINE SAYS :

"I wish a bright star would appear in the East over Washington D.C....We could use a few wise men up there !"

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of the winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore..... according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl!

We should have known ...ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit around the world in one night and not get lost !

            CHRISTMAS COOKIE INGREDIENTS:

1 C. WATER                          LEMON JUICE

1 TSP.B.SODA                       4 LG.EGGS

1C. SUGAR                           1C. NUTS

1 TSP. SALT                         2C. DRIED FRUIT

1C. BR. SUGAR               1 BOTTLE CUERVO TEQUILA

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl , check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar....Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsiscity.

Next, sift two cups of salt or something. Who gives a seet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somfink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cuervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS !

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH..... DON'T TAKE ANY WOODEN NICKELS !