SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Maxine says:

The leaves have started changing colors. Which reminds me I need to clean out the refrigerator.

Tonight's a full moon huh?

Well at least my howling won't seem so out of place.

The squirrels must be gathering nuts.

Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

Can someone please tell me what's fun about a hayride?

What really scares me at Halloween is knowing that all the family holidays are coming up.

Rake leaves or move?

I can't decide.

Some of the neighbors kids actually look better in masks.

                LADIES...GET THOSE MAMMIES GRAMMED !!

For years and years they told me, be careful of your breasts.

Don't ever squeeze or bruises them, and give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all the warnings, and protected them by law,

Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a bra.

After 30 years of astute care, my gyno Dr. Pruitt

Said I should get a mammogram, I said "Okay, let's do it".

'Stand up there real close," she said ( I got my boob in line)

"And tell me when it hurts", she said " Ah, yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate came slamming down, my hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangeled, from underneath my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed, to Swedish pancake thin .

Excruciating pain I felt, within it's viselike grip,

A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit !

"Take a deep breath" she said to me, who does she think she's kidding,

My chest is smashed in her machine, and woozy I am getting.

"There that's good," I heard her say, ( the room was slowly swaying)

"Now let's have a go at the other one" Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down, it squeezed me from both sides

I'll bet she's never had this done, to HER tender little hide.

Next time they make me do this, I will request a blindfold,

I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now,

If there had been a cyst in there, it would have gone "Ker-pow!)

This machine was created by a man, of this I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick his balls in there, and see how THEY come out !

Hey Nell.... good to see you posting!  How's everything with you?  Have a great day!

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10 Little Old Lady: " I am 86 Yrs. Old."      lol       Posted by nell2

It was a dark and stormy night......

Bob Hill and his wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.. as it happens near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted road. It was late and raining very hard, they could barely see the road in front of them. Suddenly the car skids out of control ! Bob attemps to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his wife and sees she is unconscious. He picks her up and begins to carry her down the road, hoping to get medical attention. He see a light in a large, old house and knocks on the door.

A small, hunched back man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts out, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident and she's been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, " but we do not have a phone. My master is a doctor, come in and I will get him." Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs, "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am no medical doctor, I am a scientist. However I have basic medical training, I will see what I can do. Igor bring them down to the lab."

With that Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely... he places her on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion, and his own injuries. "Things are serious Igor, prepare a transfusion."  All efforts fail, Bob and Betty are no more.

Wearily Igor's master climbs the stairs to his grand piano. For it is here that he always finds solace. He begins to play, and a hauting melody fills the house.

Igor is still in the lab tidying up, and he catches a movement out of the corner of his eye. He watches as Bob's arm rises marking the beat to the music! Betty and Bob both sit up straight .... he dashes up the stairs, bursts in and shouts to his master:

"MASTER, MASTER !... THE HILLS'S ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC !"

(sorry, you should have seen this coming)

                       HAPPY HALLOWEEN

MAXINE   SAYS :

If midnight is called the 'witching hour' , then 6 a.m. should be called the 'bitching hour'.

Under no circumstances will I ever let anyone see what I'v got locked up in my basement. Yep, that's where I keep the good beer.

People who yell "Trick or treat" are givin' me one too many options.

Every Halloween I pretend to be the same thing.... not at home.

Trick-or-treaters can be so cute...imagine them coming to my door expecting to get something for free..    

YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN:

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party...

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture...

You wake up and your braces are stuck together..

Your blind date turns out to be your exwife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces (possible)

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss'wife on her unusual perfume, and she isn't wearing any..

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight, when you get home a sandwich is on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for...

The head gardner at the White House was dismissed today, after 31 years of loyal service to scores of US Presidents and first ladies.

In an exclusive interview outside the backgate of the Presidential residence, the 64 year old proclaimed his innocence, and strongly condemned his firing. "It all happened so fast, I'm still in a daze."

"All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval office window, like I do every week. I called out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?"  And the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was hauling me off the property!"    

MAXINE    says:

If I get one more Trick or Treater, I'll get naked and REALLY scare 'em!

This Halloween I'm dressing up as a cranky old woman who doesn't give candy to children.

I'll be handing out those tiny candy bars this Halloween. I think they're called "Bite me size."

Rake leaves, or move. I can't decide....

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark rainy night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad, he jumped into the car and closed the door; only to find there was no one behind the wheel ! Again the car crept forward slowly and the guy was terrified. The guy saw that they were approaching a curve, and too scared to jump, he started to pray .

Just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window, a hand reaxched in and steered the car around the bend. Just as silently it disappeared, and was once again alone.

Finally he had all he could take, and nearly scared to death, he jumped out of the car, and ran into town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and ordered two shots of whiskey. He told everyone about his supernatural experience.

About a half hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Bob there's that idiot that rode in our car when we were pushin' it in the rain."

A little boy with diarreah tells his mom he needs Viagra.....

The mom asks ,"Why on earth do you need that?"

The little boy replies, "Isn't that what you give Dad when his sh-- won't get hard?"