SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland from Vancouver. The wife had a wooden leg, and to insure it in BC would have been $2000. a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an insurance company to see how much it would be there.

The agent looked it up on his computer and said, "That'll be $39.00".

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap?

The agent turned his computer screen around to the couple and said," "Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

"Any wooden structure , with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00"

I always did find the Newfie's logic far superior to most others... : )

Maxine says:

"Bail 'em out??  Hell , back in 1990 the Government seized the Mustang Ranch in Nevada for tax evasion. And as required by law, tried to run it... They failed and it closed. Now, are we entrusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health care plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?

What the Hell are we thinking?

An old couple, who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that !!"

She said, "I can go any way I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out srark raving naked with a potato tied to his tally whacker.

The old woman says, "You're going out like that?"

And he replied, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator!" 

MAXINE SAYS:

Vampires sleep all day...

fly wherever they want for free...

and can't see themselves

in a mirror....

Where do I sign?  

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days, so the man told his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife..."What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear.

That night when he returns from work , there on the bed, is a Batman costume.. again he yells... "Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back!

The next night, there on the bed lays three items. One is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4. The husband yells, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you, and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. AND, if you don't like that idea.. you can shove the 2x4 up your butt and go as a fudgesicle!"

A bald headed man with a wooden leg, was invited to a Halloween party. He dosen't know what to wear, so he writes to a fancy costume company and asks for their help.

A few days later a parcel is deliverd with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handekerchief will cover your head and with your wooden leg you will be right as a Pirate.

The man is offended and writes a letter of complaint, feeling it emphasizes his disability.

A week passes and he receives a monk's habit costume.He is really outraged now as it emphasizes his bald head.

A few days later he recieves a very small parcel from the company with his accompanying letter:

Dear Sir;

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup on your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple ! 

You Know You Are Too Old To Trick Or Treat When:

You get winded from knocking on the door.

You Have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

You ask for high fiber candy.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask."  And you're not wearing a mask..

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or.."  and can't remember the rest.

By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick or Treating........

You keep having to go home to pee.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN   anyway.

There are witches in my mailbox.....

What am I to do?

I found them there this morning..

Doing things they shouldn't do !

How the witches got there...

I haven't got a clue.

But they won't be there much longer..

Because I'm sending them to you !!!

You've been witch kissed !

Before the warts begin to spread......

Pass the kisses on instead!   

                                      A PRAYER FOR GRANDPA

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Grandpa's computer.

Amen

In case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management techinque recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is, that it really does work, and will make you smile.

1.  Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2.  Picture yourself with both hands dangling in the cool running water.

3.  Birds are sweetly singing in the cool maountain air.

4.  No one knows your secret place.

5.  You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

6.  The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7.  The water is so clean you can make out the face of the Congressman you are holding under water.

See, it worked!   You feel better already.   : )