SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

I'VE LEARNED THAT PLEASING EVERYONE IS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT PISSING EVERYONE OFF IS A PIECE OF CAKE.  : )

I'd just come out of a deli with a big roast beef sandwich, when a homeless man approached me and said, " I haven't eaten in two days."  ....... So I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

 A fat girl served me at McDonald's . She said "Sorry about the wait." I said, "Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually."

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he asked,"Any change?" .....I said, "Nope, you're still black."

*   KEEP A SMILE ON YOUR FACE

    AND A SONG IN YOUR HEART

    AND YOU'LL BE OKAY    ♥

                           HE SAID/SHE SAID

He said ....."I don't know why you wear  a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...  "You wear pants don't you?"

He said....  "Why are married women heavier than single women?"

She said.... "Single women come home , see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in,the  bed and go to the fridge." 

A little man is running a jewelry store. A customer runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door.

The little jeweler says, "C-C-C- Come in?"

Are you Polish?  Okay, I'll speak slowly.

How do Polish people spell farm?   E-I-E-I-O....

Polish man in a helicopter . Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan."

Two Rednecks go into a pastry shop. One whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightening speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The first guy says to the second, "See how clever we Rednecks are? "

The second guy says, "You can never beat that!" The first Redneck says, "Watch this..".  he says to the baker, " Give me a cookie , I'll show you a magic trick." He quickly eats the cookie. He then repeats the process three times.

Now the Baker is really mad, and he yells "Where is your magic trick?"

The Redneck says, "Look in his pocket."

HENNY YOUNGMAN SAYS:

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas . She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

During a commercial airline flight , an exAirForce pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began to cry during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young woman expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "That's a good looking baby and he sure was hungry."

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that nursing helped alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The AirForce pilot sadly shook his head and said,"And all these years , I've been blowing my nose and chewing gum!!"

Billy died..... His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the guests departed, his wife turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Billy would have been pleased."

"I'm sure," said her friend, "But how much did it really cost?"

"All $30,000." his wife replied. "NO! Really?" ...

His wife said, "The funeral was $6,500, I donated $ 500 to the church, the food and drinks were $500, and the rest went to a memorial stone."

"$23,500 for a memorial stone !... MY God, how big is it?"

His wife answered,......   "2 1/2 carats."   

An old Catholic nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers, and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided to take her lunch and sit with the workers. She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where they were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"  One asked, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

 

BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH....

Ladies...get your mammies grammed !!