SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, Wa. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splender of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go to the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"  He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the EPA, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility . I'm sorry, but due to Obama-care...they turned you down.

 

Terriost activity has caused the Democrats to take measures in order to protect thier candidate for the 2016 Presidency.

For security reasons, they have suggested that Hillary have a Muslim name....

So, from now on, please refer to her by her new name:

                     'SELDOM BIN LAYED'

MAXINE SAYS :

I read recipies the same way I read science fiction.

I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen!"

There's a certain age where you can no longer use the term, "Good girl gone bad."

It's more like:

"Her old a$$ should know better."

When I was little, I didn't care how I got dressed. My mother took care of that.

But now, when I look at my old photos, I think mom didn't care either.

I hope we're friends until we die...

Then we'll be ghost friends who walk through walls, and scare the sh-- out of people.

REASON TO SMILE....

Every 7 minutes of every day , someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies...

Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"

Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."  : (

I have a new girlfriend who must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says, "Tut,Tut !"

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18-year-old hooker.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and i Chicago he's Ernest.

A man is at a bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way he falls down 3 times. When I get him home I help him out of the car, and on the way to his front door, he falls down another 4 times. I ring the bell nd say, "Here's your husband."

The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair??"

HENNY YOUNGMAN JOKES

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS.....

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all de kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburg:

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

( now isn't that beautiful?)

AH....BUT THEY RIDE TO THE BANK IN A MERCEDES... 

Thursday  morning  tidbits:

"Always  be  sincere with people,

even if you don't mean it."

Joan Rivers

Ask Brittany Spears  a question, and she'll lip

sync the answer.

When you strut...

you  stumble.

CHINESE SAYING

An invisible thread

connects two people

who are destined

to meet.

Sometimes the easiest way to get your hubby to do something ,

Is to simply suggest that he's just too old to do it anymore.

Middle age is when you still believe you're gonna feel better in

the morning...

You know you're old when your walker has an air bag!

Phyllis Diller

His finest hour, lasted a minute and a half.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties,

is looking for a job the next day. 

My photos don't do me justice...

they look just like me.!

I asked a waiter ," Is this milk fresh?"

He said, "Lady , 3hours ago it was grass."

Maxine

A BIG WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST MEMBERS:

STEPHEN BUSHI

SUEGMORALES

DLOUISE9

JERE29MIAH

A businessman got onto an elevator and sees it already had a beautiful blonde passenger.

She greeted him with , " T-G-I-F".

He smiled and responded with, " S-H-I-T"

She replied once again, "T_G_I-F".

He responded,...."S-H- I - T !"

She explained, " It means, Thank God It's Friday".. Duhhh!!

The man answers, " Mine means, SORRY HONEY IT'S THURSDAY" duhhhh......

DID YOU KNOW....

The rarest coffee is Kopi Luwak from Indonesia and

sells for $300 a pound !

The human mind is 10 times more creative at night than in the

morning or afternoon.

Deep breathing gives you health benefits

similar to aerobics.

Space dust tastes like raspberries,

and smells like rum.

There is a temple in Sri Lanka , dedicated to...

a tooth of the Budda.