SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby, and as he does his elbow goes into her breast...

They are both quite atartled.The man turns to the woman and says, " Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

                             DAVE BARRY'S WIT

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the ER, the kid had eaten ants...

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadrly and he should be fine.

The mother says, "I just gave him some ant killer...."

Dispatcher, "Rush him in to emergency right now !"

LIFE IS TOUGH. IT'S EVEN TOUGHER IF YOU'RE STUPID !!!

A woman at work was seen putting her credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing missing was a good quaterback. One night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone on the West Bank. In one corner of background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

"I've got to get this guy.!" The Coach said to himself. He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States, and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom", he says into the phone,"I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand Mother."

"No ! Let me tell you " his mother retorts. " At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.

Your two brothers were beaten within an inch life last week, and your sister , I have to keep in the house so she doesn't get raped !" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully added..........

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"   : (

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of paper. Who do I do?"  "Just use the paper from the photocopier." the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.....

I recently saw a woman weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door opener. Now I can't get into my car."

Pointing at a distant convenience store she asked, "Do you think they would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy." she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I replied. "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

PLEASE JUST LAY DOWN BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF !!!!!!!

Dave Barry

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this."

The doc says, " Then don't do that !"

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The doctor says to the patient, " Take your clothes off and stick  your tongue out the window."

"What will that do?" asks the patient.

The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor."

******   ********     *****     ********      ********       *********

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, " That's what puzzles me!"

******         *******      ********      *****      *******        ********

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?"

The doctor says, "Limp!"

*******        ********        *********       *****        ********

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?"

"$50,000," Thay called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it !"

Farrahs's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look."I

 "I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic church.

"Father," he confessed, "It has been one month since my last confession.I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner,"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's".

Soon afterward, another Irish man entered the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months."

This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood." the sinner replied.

"Very well," sighed the priest, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's".

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the Sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes....

The priest and the alter boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching emerald shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize that one could see all the way to the junction of O my goodness and O my golly !

The priest turned to the alter boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed alter boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply......

"No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."    ☺

Riots and protests were rapidly getting out of hand in La., Miami, Atlanta and New York. Tear gas,water hoses, bean bags, and rubber bullets ...... nothing was working.

Finally in desparation, police had to fly helicopters over and dump "Job Applications" onto the raging mobs.

Crowds were dispersed in less than two minutes.  ☺

As up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.H

He looks on Craigs list and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removal".

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of the van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean-looking old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks?   "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be suddued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the  roof instead, shoot the dog."

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries , the cashier said, " Strip down facing me" ....  Making a mental note so I could complain to the local assemblyman about the running amok security rubbish, I did as I was told.

After the shreiking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card! 

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