SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space."

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and American looked at each other and shook thier heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you'll burn up!!"

To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid you know. We're going at night !"  ☺

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort he forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it nor for death's agony,he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies !!

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and whithered hand, shaking, made it's way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a big metal spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.......

"They're for the funeral."    ....  : (

         AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.........

************************************************************************

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said,..............."Dust."

And that's how the fight started.......

A Jewish woman said to her mother... "I'm divorcing Jeff! All he wants is sex,sex,sex and more sex! My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece, when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman. You live in an 8-bedroom mansion, drive a Ferrari, you get $5,ooo a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said..."At the end of this ruler is an idiot."

I got detention after asking.......  "Which end?"    : (

**********************************************************************

I use the 4 food groups:

Canned

Boxed

Frozen

Bagged

************************************************************************

Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, but you know what that means.....  more laundry !!

***********************************************************************

Designers have invented a new bra for middle-aged women. They've called it the "Sheepdog", as it rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

***********************************************************************

Some people need to get their finger out of their butt, so their brain can get some oxygen !

At my age rolling off the bed in the morning is easy. Getting up off the floor is another story.

***********************************************************************

Arthur is ninety years old....

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says,"Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur."Your brother is one hundred and three years old !  He can't help."

"He may be one hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes a swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did," he replies, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."   : (

I don't like to wear panty hose...

Everytime I fart my legs swell.

***********************************************************************

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

**********************************************************************

Trouble in a marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

***********************************************************************

Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

**********************************************************************

When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

***********************************************************************

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

***********************************************************************

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past- but never the present.

************************************************************************

A foolish husband says to his wife," Honey, you stick to the washin',ironin',cookin',and scrubbin', No wife of mine is gonna work.

**********************************************************************

Many girls like to marry a military man- he can cook, sew, and make beds, he's in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

**********************************************************************

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

*********************************************************************

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved!

********************************************************************

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

*********************************************************************

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

***********************************************************************

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

* Have a great and keep smiling !    ☺

                        COOL THOUGHTS ON A HOT DAY....

Why were the Indians here first?

They had reservations..

Class trip to the Cocoa-Cola factory.

I hope there's no pop quiz...

Energizer bunny arrested.

Charged with battery...

I didn't like my beard at first.

Then it grew on me....

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble...

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.

Then it hit me....

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank,

But it does have a Liverpool..

I used to be a banker,

But then I lost interest.

All the toilets in New York's police station have been stolen.

Police have nothing to go on...  

.

                   PONDERINGS BY RONALD REAGAN

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S.Congress..."

"The taxpayer:

That's someone who works for the Federal Government, but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

"Government is like a baby:  An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end, and no sense of responsibility at the other."

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on earth is a government program."

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War:   We win, they lose".

"Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don't need it, and hell where they already have it."

"The most terrifying words in the English language are:  I'm from the Government and I'm here to help."

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under."

A public school teacher was arrested at J.F.K. International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attn. Gen. Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement...

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us" Att, Gen. said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" . But we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher lsoscles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.....