SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

"It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong."

Thomas Sowell

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A wife asks her hubby, "How many women have you slept with?"

Hubby proudly replies, "Only you darling, with all the others I was awake."

*   Hospital visiting hours are 11-8 .

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Think you're having a bad day???????

An Iraqi terrorist didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.

Forgetting it was a bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Feel better now?     : )

             AN OLDIE, BUT A GOODIE FROM ANN LANDERS

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex". He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"

Then I said, " But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said," You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, " You must have been quite a kid."

When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said , "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny---I have the same problem."

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

"But you don't underastand." I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, " Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, " The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.

                               ADVICE FOR THE DAY

Never hold in your farts...

They travel up your spine, into your brain and that's where

sh-tty ideas come from.

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I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing I can have sex at 73!"

I'm so happy, because I live at 67, so it's not too far for me to walk home afterwards.

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Since Nancy Pelosi is no longer speaker of the house, she's forced to give up her private jet to make those trips from Washington D.C. to San Fransico.

She'll be flying South West from now on, because "bags fly free." ☺

                        THE PENIS POEM

My nookie days are over....

My pilot light is out...

What used to be my sex appeal,

Is now my water spout.

Time was when on it's own accord,

From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,

To find the F------ thing !

It used to be embarrassing...

The way it would behave.

For every single morning..

It would stand and watch me shave.

Now, as old age approaches....

It sure gives me the blues...

I see it hang its' little head....

And watch me tie my shoes !     : (

Police in Chicago last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 400 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million forged US bank notes and 35 trafficked Latino prostitutes all in a house behind the Public library on Martin Luther King Drive.

Local residents were stunned and a community spokesperson said , "Hey, after all man, this IS Chicago ! We're all shocked to pieces . We never knew we had a library in the neighborhood !" 

A MAN...

A MISS...

A CAR...

A CURVE....

HE KISSED THE MISS, AND MISSED THE CURVE!

           *******************    ******************* 

I'll never join one of those on line dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.....  through alcohol and poor judgement.

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A woman goes to her doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Everyday my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room, or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman returns to the Doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says," Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished, and swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."    : )

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman,says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore, he has to charge $50 each for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty bras.

Jewish owner tells him they have become even harder to get and charges him $60 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock for $75. each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "Please tell me what you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers, .........................

"I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200. each."

The wife came home early from work and found her husband in the bedroom making love to a very young attractive woman.

She cried, "You are a disrespectiful pig !  How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, and mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away !

Husband replied, "Hang on just a minute so I can at least tell you what happened."

She sobbed, "Fine, go ahead. But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

The husband began.... "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift... She looked so down and out and defenseless, that I let her into the car.

I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the leftover Enchiladas from last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you'll put on weight.Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested that she shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I threw them away and gave her the Designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear anymore because they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her. And I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair.

The husband took a quick breath and continued. "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me and asked, "Please...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"    : )

There were protesters at the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.

I politely declined to take one.

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester who offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said....

" Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said:

" Honey, my father died in France during WW11 , I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam...... All three died so a bit-- like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country!"

If you touch me agin, I'll stick this umbrella up your a$$ and open it."

GOD BLESS AMERICA..... I LOVE GETTING OLD !!   ♥

Some days the best thing about my job is.....the chair spins ..

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 5 years in a row...!

                            TOMORROW ( noun )

A mystical land where 99% of all humor, productivity and achievement is stored.

If you mated a Bull dog and a Shitzu... would it be called Bullsh--?