SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell' assignment.Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said," My name is Benjamin, and I am Jewish, and this is the Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said,"My name is Mary and I'm a Catholic, and this is a Rosary."

The third student got up in front of the class and said,"My name is Tommy, I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

A country founded by geniuses....

But run by idiots.

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray." the priest said.

"No," said the minister,"I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.  "Hey fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole!"    : )

An elderly man was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on out in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

He opened the back door to go turn the light off, but saw there were people in the shed stealing things.He phoned the police who asked, "is someone in your house?" He said, "No,but some people are breakiong into my garden shed and stealing from me."

The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

He said, "Okay," and he hung up....counted to 30, then phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within 5 minutes, six Police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two Fire trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up and caught the burgulars red handed.

One of the Policeman said to him, "I thought you said you shot them!"

He replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

*  Don't mess with old people.  : )

                          THE CLASS REUNION

Every five years, as summertime nears

An announcement arrives in the mail...

A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand.

Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met.

We tried so hard to impress.

We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,

And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair, the whole class was there.

It was held at a fancy hotel.

We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined.

And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first

To achieve great fortune and fame..

Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses

And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,

Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.

The jocks who were there, had all lost their hair...

And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd...

Who guided a spacecraft to the moon..

Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain,

She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed,  ' most apt to succeed',

Was serving ten years in the pen.

While the one voted 'least' now was a priest,

Just shows you can be wrong now and then,

They awarded a prize to one of the guys

Who seemed to have aged the least,.

Another was given to the grad who had driven,

The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture

Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties...

Tall,short,or skinny, the style was the mini.

You never saw so many thighs!

At our next get-together, no one cared whether

They impressed their classmates or not.

The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal,

By this time we'd all gone to pot.

(to be continued)

A SAFE AND HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY WEEKEND TO ALL !

Class Reunion (cont.)

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores...'

We ate hamburgers, coleslaw and beans,

Then most of us lay around in the shade.

In our comfortable T shirts and jeans.

By the fiftieth year, it was abundantly clear,

We were definitely over the hill.

Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,

And be home in time to take their pill.

And now I can't wait, they've set the date; Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told..

It should be a ball, they've rented a hall.

At The Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my hearing aid..

My pacemakers been turned up on high.

My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled..

And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty, and I'm ready to party.

I'm gonna dance 'til dawn's early light.

It'll be lots of fun, But I just hope that there's one

Other person who can make it that night!     ♥

                               DAFFYNITIONS

Inoculatte....   To take coffee intraveniously when running late.

Glibido........   All talk, no action.

Osteopornosis.  A degenerate disease.

Dopeler Effect. The tendency of stupi ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Beelzebug ....  Satan in the form of a mosquito.

Caterpallor....  The color you turn after finding a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Abdicate......  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Willy-nilly...... Impotent.

Lymph.........  To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle.......  Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence.....  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash..... A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle........ A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude...... The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon....... A Rastafarian proctologist.

☺

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were..

The blonde replied, "Rolex, and Timex."

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that??"

"HELLLOOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!" ☺

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked...

"Is it on or off?"   ☺