SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureacratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted..

One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went out onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I bagan bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was spent on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equiptment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came out and bashed my fingers with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I was hit and killed by the chest.

The clerk couldn't help but giggle as he directed the man to the next room.

His third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, "I doubt your last day was as interesting as the last fellow brfore you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "Picture this... I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest............"    : ( 

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ray."

Ray was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be !!, I've got too much to live for, send me back !"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him back to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered in feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen huh?"How's your first day here?"

"Not bad, " replied Ray the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"  "Never," said Ray.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overjoyed. As he was about to lay another egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.........................

"Ray ! Wake up !  You sh-- the bed !!"

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nooded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or a$$hole.... Do you understand that?"

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

"GOOD!" said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother !!!"  

JEFF FOXWORTHY HAS THE ANSWERS.....

If you get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses, but run by idiots...

If you have to get your parent's permission to go on a field trip or take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses, but run by idiots...

If you have to show ID to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book, but not to vote for who runs the government, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots..

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions of dollars more, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses, but run by idiots..

If children are forcibly removed from parents who discipline them with spankings,while children are left in filth and drug infested homes, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots..

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along side the road eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you." the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. .. "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us also."

"But sir, the second poor man replied, "I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well." the lawyer answered.

They all entered the limousine, which was no easy task. Once under way , one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "You are too kind. Taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story?

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen..

They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.

The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience.Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from the basement to the attic. And......... there is a note on the door reading.......

"Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newborn kid through college somehow, don't I ?"

             Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife for President !!

Have you ever looked at someone and just knew that the wheel was turnin', but the hampster was dead?

Caution.... when someone tells you to get a grip..apparently around the neck is not what they meant... who knew???

That my friend is how life is, and now my tale is told....

So enjoy each day, and live it up..

Before you are too old !!

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1.  In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2.  In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3.  In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4.  In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5.  In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6.  In South America they didn't know what " please" meant.

7.  In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8.  In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

A frustrated wife said to her hubby... " Oh Gawd...I'm convinced my mind is almost gone!"

Meekly the hubby replied, "I'm not surprised, you've been giving me a piece of it every day for 20 years !"