SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

A teenage granddaughter comes down stairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra....

Her Grandmother just about pitched a fit telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teen tells her to 'loosen up' Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show." And out the door she goes....

The next day the teen comes down the stairs and grandma is sitting there with no top on. The teen explains to her she has some friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

The Grandma says,"Loosen up sweetie ! If you can show off your rosebuds, I can display my hanging baskets!"

A girl broke up with her boyfriend and demanded the return of all of the pictures he had taken of her.

He passed her a box of photos of girls , told her to pick out the ones of her, and return the rest to him.

If you can't afford a doctor, go to the airport. You'll get a free xray and breast exam. And if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

Four guys were all at a deer camp. They had two cabins, two men per cabin.

After the first night, no one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided to take turns. Joe slept with Bob and came dragging in to breakfast the next a.m. "I just sat up and watched him sleep all night !!" he said.

The next night it was Mike's turn and the same thing happened.

When it was Fred's turn, he was bright eyed and bushy tailed the next morning. The guys couldn't believe it. "How did you survive the snoring?" they asked.

"Well," when we got ready for bed, I patted Bob on the butt, tucked him in, and kissed him good night.Bob sat up all night and watched me."

With age, comes wisdom.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers, and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways....

She decided she would take her lunch, and sit with the workers. She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.. One of the workers looked up into the steelworkers and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the workers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back,

"Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

Little Sally asked her mom innocently.. "What does the word virgin mean?"

Her mom replied, "When a Mom & Dad love each other very much, they want to show how much.  " 

 "The Dad gives a gift to the Mom? " asks Sally.

"Dad does a special thing with the mom. He takes a special thing and puts it to the Mom's special place. This makes the mom happy, and then the dad gets very happy, and there is an explosion. Dad has a lot of seed and they race to see which one is first to reach mom's egg. This is called 'making love.".

"Until you do that, you are called a 'virgin'......

"I see,"   said Sally. "So, then what's extra virgin?"

"Oh sh-- !!" said the mom.

                                MEMORIAL DAY

                                            2013

LEST WE FORGET...........

All those brave men and women

who gave their lives

in the service to our nation....

We honor them today,

and we thank them for their sacrifice.

HOME OF THE FREE....

BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE !

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a middle-aged woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles, through some pretty tough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate bear and then ran away from one engry bull Elk.The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine."

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

"No," said the woman, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

If money doesn't grow on trees....how come banks have branches?

I don't have an attitude, I have a personality you can't handle...

I have PMS and a GPS, which means I am a bitch and will find you!

Maxine says:  "Don't let aging get you down...it's too hard to get back up!"

Dog says to the cat... "They don't keep you on a leash, because they want you to run away "

Blonde staring at her PC.... "Press any key to start" she reads. "Where is the "any" key?"

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day... and may their arms not be long enough to scratch!    : )

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying.."Greetings , Earthling We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you. The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting...Again, no response.

Pissed of at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings Earthling, we come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The older alien again warned his comrad saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad. "Rubbish!" repied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature !" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damned near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied. "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never fool with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and stick it in his ear!"