SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

                                                       PONDERISMS

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

There are two kinds of pedestrians.....the quick and the dead.

I used to eat a lopt of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

How is it it takes one match to start a forest fire, but an entire box to start a camp fire?

If corn oil is made out of corn, and vegetable oil is made out of vegetables, what is baby oil made out of? 

                                    PONDERISMS CONT.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glu stick to the inside of the bottle?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.......

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."

                                            2013 version.......

Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone, free internet, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, and free medicine, he will vote Democratic the rest of his life, even after he's dead.

Maxine

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions?

My friends said that when my kids got married, I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my mother's warm smile and her occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me when you get home."

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. I was worried!

I smiled a warm smile......The torch has been passed.

           HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO  !!!!!

Last year on Mother's Day, we were rushing around trying to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. We finally got everyone in the car and I couldn't find Eli.

I searched everywhere and I finally rounded the corner to go into the bathroom, and there was Eli applying chapstick to the cat's rear end!

Eli looked into my eyes and said, 'chapped'... Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right...their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly the cat didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the first time Eli had done that, or the humdreth time...

That is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been usuing your chapstick on the cat's butt!  : )

Elementary school age children were given these questions:

                     WHY DID GOD MAKE MOTHERS?

1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2.  Mostly to clean the house.

3.  To help us out of there when we were born.

                     HOW DID GOD MAKE MOTHERS?

1.  He used dirt just like for the rest of us.

2.  Magic, plus super powers and a lot of string.

3.  God made Mom just the same like He made me. He just used bigger parts.

                       10 MEANEST MOVIE MOTHERS

1.  Joan Crawford...................... Mommie Dearest

2.  Piper Laurie......................... Carrie

3.  Ann Bancroft........................ The Graduate

4.  Angelica Huston..................... The Grifters

5.  Angela Lansbury.................... Manchurian Candidate

6.  Mary Tyler Moore.................. Ordinary People

7.  Anthony Perkin's mother in........ Psycho

8.  Alberta Watson.................... Spanking the Monkey

9.  Katherine Hepburn................. Suddenly Last Summer

10. Dianne Ladd........................ Wild at Heart

MAXINE SAYS.....................

A Mother's love is unconditional.

But don't push it !    

                                    ME MUDDER !

When me prayers were poorly said..

Who tucked me in me widdle bed...

And spanked me till me arse was red...

ME MUDDER

Who took me from me cozy cot..

And put me on the ice cold pot....

And made me pee when I could not....

ME MUDDER !

And when the morning light would come....

And in me crib me dribbled some...

Who wiped me tiny widdle bum....

ME MUDDER !

Who would me hair so neatly part...

And hug me gently to her heart..

Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart...

ME MUDDER !

Who looKed at me with eyebrows knit..

And nearly have a king-sized fit...

When in me Sunday pants me s---...

ME MUDDER!

When at night her bed did squeak..

Me raised me head to have a peek..

Who yelled at me to go to sleep....

ME FADDER !