SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day...

Teach a man to use the internet, and he won't bother you

for weeks!

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her huband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smiles. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you !

The hubby, typically non-romantic, replied:

"I'm on the commode, please advise."

Someone recently said to me... "Don't worry about old age...it doesn't last long."

Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut save you $30.OO?

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers...what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

   HAVE A GOOD DAY !    

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

MICKEYMINNIEPLUTOHUEYLOUIEDEWEYDONALDGOOFYSACRAMENTO

When asked why she had such a lenghty password, she rolled her eyes and said, "HELLO!  .... It's got to be at least 8 characters and include at least 1 capital!"

What's the difference between genius and stupidity?

ans:    Genius has it's limits.

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

Wife:  "Do you want dinner?"

Husband:  " Sure..what are my choices?"

Wife:   "Yes or no."

Let us pray...........

"Give me a sense of humor, Lord.....

Give me the grace to see a joke.

To get some humor out of life...

And pass it on to other folk."

A lawyer phoned the Governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to speak to the Governor. It's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the Governor's assistant agreed to wake him up....

"So..what's so important that it couldn't wait until morning?" grumbled the Governor.

"Judge Jones just passed away, and I want to take his place." begged the attorney.

"Well, it's okay with me, if it's okay with the funeral home." replied the Governor.

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" the man asked.

The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it I found in your pants pocket." The man said, "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife apologized and went on with her housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with even

A bigger frying pan knocking him unconscious . Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied,

"Your horse phoned!"  

A man brings home his best buddy for dinner. His wife screams at him, "My hair and makeup isn't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

Her hubby replied, "Because he's thinking of getting married."

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of a cruise ship, holding her hat tight so it wouldn't blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me ma'am I do not intend to be forward, but do you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"

"Yes, I know." said the elderly lady. I need both hands to hold on to this hat." "But, ma'am..... you know you're not wearing any panties, and your privates are exposed !"

"Sir, " said the old lady, "Anything you see down there is 75 years old. And I just bought this hat yesterday !" 

Two friends walking down the street.....

One said to the other, "I think I smell hair burning!"

The other replied, "Maybe we're walking too fast."

WHOOPIE GOLDBERG