SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

The Maine Turnpike Authority handed out "Welcome To Vacationland" informational flyers to all vehicles entering the state bearing Mass., Rhode Island, New York, New Jersey or Ct. license plates this year. Here are the rules for visiting Maine:

1.  That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at, did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

2.  It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have a four wheel drive because we need it. Now drive, or get out of the way.

3.  We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4.  Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get your butt kicked, by our women.  

After putting her grandchildre to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the grandchildren getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back into bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice...

"Who was that?"   

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker!

OUR HEARTS AND PRAYERS GO OUT TO THOSE INJURED AND KILLED IN YESTERDAY'S BOSTON MARATHON.

My grandson was pounding away on my PC one day. He told me he was writing a story...

"What's it about?" I asked.

"I don't know," he replied.  "I can't read!"  

A second grader came home from school and said to her Grandmother.

"Grandma, guess what?" We learned how to make babies today."  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool..

"That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change the "y" to "I" and add "es"....  

THE WASHINGTON POST'S MENSA INVITATIONAL once again invited reader's to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition...

HERE ARE THE WINNERS:

Cashtration:  The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus:    A person who's both stupid and a a-- hole.

Intaxication:   Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation:   Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone:  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Coffee:    The person upon whom one coughs.

Circumvent:   An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

                    DARWIN AWARD WINNER

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting, had escaped.

Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride...

He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre behavior.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days !    

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in the meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.

The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of it's men to have a look for himself.

He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.. 

According to Marvin ( the male Maxine)

Getting married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it isn't so hot.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises....without restricting the view.

Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

Life is sexually transmitted.      

 

Marvin ( cont.)

I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouched down behind a tombstone... I said, "Morning."

He said "No, just taking a sh--!"    

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to me... "don't"  and "stop"..  unless they are used together.   

I'm not attracted to a girl's mind, but what she doesn't mind. 

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual physical. She told me that I had to stop masturbating... I asked why? She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you !!"