SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

                                       EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS....

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." Bob replied.  I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled... KY JELLY. 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examing room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.  The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist." the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder the baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came." 

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack....

The undertakers tell the US Diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for $1 million, or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100. The US Diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The Undertaker is puzzled and asks:  "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home, when you could have him buried here in this religous country for only $100?"

One Diplomat replied:  "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and in just three days he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk."   

Towards the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands....

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned atround, faced the congregation, and said simply...."I outlived all them as#$!& and he calmly returned to his seat.  

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for...

The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth.

Putin calls Russia, talks for 5 minutes, and is charged a million dollars. So Putin writes out a check.

Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes, and the devil tells her the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours !   The devil informs him the cost is $5.00........

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and wants to know why Bush got to call so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since O'bama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."  

Who gives a sh-- where Obama was born..... it's where he lives now that is the problem! 

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President Obama walks into a bank to cash a check. He approaches the cashier and says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

"I am President of the USA ! "

"Yes sir, I know who your are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks , I must insist on seeing ID."

"I am urging you to please cash this check for me." Obama said

"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what you can do. One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot into a cup. With that we knew he was Tiger Woods, and we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President , what can you do to prove  that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking and said, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank.... there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do, and I don't have a clue."

With that, the cashier said...."Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"    

Ads seen in "The Villages" Florida newspaper.

LONG TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried her fourth husband,

looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.

Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.  

FOXY LADY

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,

80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6") 

searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.

Matching white shoes and belt a plus.   

WINNING SMILE

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a

dedicated flosser , to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

MEMORIES

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday

If you can remember Friday, Saturday and

Sunday, let's put our heads together.

MINT CONDITION

Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,

Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.

Not in running condition, but walks well.      

The wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

" For God's sake !  Leave it on the porn channel!   You already know how to fish !  "     

                        HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE A TEACHER?

1.  You get a secret thrill out of laminating things.

2.  You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.

3.  You can eat a multi-course meal in under 25 minutes.

4.  You can tell if it's a full moon without even looking outside.

5.  You find beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.

By Jeff Foxworthy

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mom, "Why is the bride wearing white?"

The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought for a moment and said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

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DON'T MIX YOUR MEDS......

Maxine says:  "Yesterday I got my Preparation H mixed up with my Poli-Grip! Now I talk like an a$$, but my gums don't itch !    

                                                    DUMB MEN JOKES

WHY ARE ALL DUMB BLONDE JOKES ONE LINERS?

So men can understand them.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOVERNMENT BONDS AND MEN?

Government bonds mature.

WHAT'S A MAN'S IDEA OF HELPING WITH THE HOUSEWORK?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

WHY IS PSYCHOANALYSIS A LOT QUICKER FOR MEN THAN WOMEN?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.