SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                         A CONVERSATION IN HEAVEN..

Betty:    "Hi Wanda !"

Wanda: " Hi Betty, how did you die?"

Betty:  " I froze to death."

Wanda: " That's terrible."

Betty:  " It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Wanda:  " I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my hubby was cheating on me. So I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV."

Betty:  "So, what happened?"

Wanda:  " I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. Looked into the attic and down into the basement, under the beds and in the closets. Finally I became so exhausted, I just keeled over with a heart attack."

Betty:  " Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive !"   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An elderly man was asked by his friend, "At your ripe old age , what would you prefer to get... Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

The old man said, "Definitely Parkinson's..better to spill half an ounce of Crown Royal whiskey, than to forget where you keep the bottle !

Heck that's why sippy cups were invented wasn't it?  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                                    BUMPAH STICKAS

The only trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

I've been diagnosed with CRS... can't remember sh--!

At my age the only thing that gets hard is my arteries.

Live each day as if it's your last... one day you'll get it right !

At my age happy hour is a nap.

I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going.

Young at heart...slightly older in other places.

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the raod. He awerves to avoid hitting it, but unfirtunately the rabbit jumps right in front of his car...

The driver feels so awful that he starts to cry. A beautiful blonde woman pulls over, steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and killed him !!"

She runs over to her car, pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them, and hops off down the road. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can?" What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...........

HAIR SPRAY...

Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave."

            HAPPY EASTER

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises an eyebrow, but quitely serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table alone.

An hour later, the man has finished and orders three more....

The next evening the man orders three at a time again.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers"..

Finally a week later, the bartender asks him, "I don't mean to pry, but folks are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see I have two brothers, one in America, and one in Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank, as a way of keeping up the family bond."

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.The bartender pours them with a heavy heart, and word flies around town that prayers are to be offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

When condolences are offered on the death of his brother, he replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I. myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."    

A State Trooper was patroling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car on lover's lane, with the interior lights glowing brightly. He carefully approaches the car and sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers the window and says, "Yes, Officer?"

The trooper asks, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing to the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says, "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's filing her nails."

Now the trooper is totally confused......

The trooper asks, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says, "I'm 21, sir."

The tropper asks, "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies......................

"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."     

        HAPPY EASTER  !!!!

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived to pick her up and her mother said, "Oh, come on in. What are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?"

"Oh probably catch a movie then grab a bite to eat."

"Peggy likes to screw you know" Mom informed him.

"Uh.... really?" Fred replied with raised eyebrows.

"Oh yes," she said, "when she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred. "Yes," said the mother,"as a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip." Fred said, as he began thinking of alternate plans for the evening...

A moment later Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a full circle skirt with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

"Have fun kids," said the mother as they left...

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the door behind her.

"The Twist mom!"   The @#!* dance is called the TWIST !"  

Defense Attorney:    "Will you please state your age?"

Little Old Lady:      " I am 86 years old."

Defense Attorney:    " Will you tell us in your own words, what happened on the night of April 1st?"

Little old lady:        " There I was sitting in my swing on my front porch , when a young man comes creeping up and sat down beside me."

Defense Attorney:     "Did you know him?"

Little Old Lady:       "No, but he was sure friendly."

Defense Attorney:     "What happened after he sat down?"

Little Old Lady:        " He started to rub my thigh."

Defense Attorney:    " Did you try to stop him?"

Little Old Lady:       "No, I didn't. It felt good no one had done that since my Abner died, some 30 years ago. I hadn't felt that good in years."

Defense Attorney:     " Then what happened?"

Little Old LADY:       " Then I was really feeling "spicy"  so I said, "Take me young man, take me."

Defense Attorney:       "  So did he?"

Little Old Lady:          "Hell no !   He just yelled April Fool !   That's when I shot the little  B!@#*!! "  

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled:

                                   "Survivor--- Texas Style!"

The lucky contestants will start in Keller, then to Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville.

Proceed to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there to Abilene,Fort Worth and Keller. Finally back to Dallas....

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 10 bumper stickers, which will read:

1.    "I'm a Democrat"

2.   "Amnesty for Illegals"

3.   " Boycott Beef"

4.   " George Strait Sucks"

5.   " Re-Elect Obama in 2016"

6.   " Rosie O'Donnell Is Texas Born"

7.    " I Love Obamacare and Chuck Schumer"

8     " It's Bush's Fault"

9.    " Islam is a Peace-loving Religion"

and the last sticker is..........

10.   " I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas ALIVE wins.