Funny Stories and Life Experiences

[DaveMcK]

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 ‐‐------------------------

[DaveMcK]

[Rhymesometimes]

@DaveMcK  Excellent advice! 

[DaveMcK]

The Hydrangea Bush

The big, bountiful blooms are abundant on Cape Cod, and available in hundreds of varieties. Mo Rocca tiptoes through the hydrangeas, and talks with aficionados to learn the secrets to growing these showy summer shrubs.

Link:  https://cbsn.ws/3xuuttF

The picture above is of a hydrangea bush on our grounds that I took a few weeks ago.

[DaveMcK]

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side
You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you’re bad luck.”

[DaveMcK]

THE TRADITION
"In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow"

In Flanders fields.
Poppies Edit
Main article: Remembrance poppy
In 1915, following the Second Battle of Ypres, Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, a physician with the Canadian Expeditionary Force, wrote the poem, "In Flanders Fields". Its opening lines refer to the fields of poppies that grew among the soldiers' graves in Flanders.

In 1918, inspired by the poem, YWCA worker Moina Michael attended a YWCA Overseas War Secretaries' conference wearing a silk poppy pinned to her coat and distributed over two dozen more to others present. In 1920, the National American Legion adopted it as their official symbol of remembrance.

[DaveMcK]

It will be a while before we have fresh, locally grow watermelons but it seems this will be handy to have before we know it!

[Rhymesometimes]

@DaveMcK , That is an awesome story!  Way to put a "Debbie Downer" in her place. Christine

[WebWiseWoman]

Thank you, Dave! Just the uplifting story we needed! (As you usually do!)

#StaySafe

[DaveMcK]

Did you know?

The closest geographic point between the borders of the United States and Russia lies in the Bering Strait located in the Pacific Ocean. In the middle of the Bering Strait, there lies two small islands known as Big Diomede and Little Diomede. Interestingly enough, Big Diomede is owned by Russia while Little Diomede is owned by the United States. At their closest point, the two islands are only 2.4 miles apart. While these two islands are seperated by just 2.4 miles, they are 21 hours apart due to their placement around the international timeline.

[DaveMcK]

That's life...
103 passengers and only 40 meals were loaded on a flight from Bogota to Miami
The crew didn't know what to do
However, the booth boss had an idea. After about 30 minutes of flight, she nervously announced:
- “I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers and only 40 dinners."
Then she added:
- ′′ Anyone who is gentle and kind-hearted enough to give their food to another person will receive free, unlimited drinks and liquor throughout the flight.

Her next announcement came two hours later:
- “If anyone wants to change their minds, we still have 40 meals available”

Moral:
Drunks have a big heart!!

[DaveMcK]

One day God was looking down at
earth and saw all of the rascally behavior
that was going on
So He called His angels and sent
one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned,
he told God,'Yes, it is bad on earth;
95% are misbehaving and only
5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said,
'Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent
her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned she went to
God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth
is in decline; 95% are misbehaving,
but 5% are being good...'

God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5%
who were good, because he wanted to
encourage them, and give them a little
something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering,
because I didn't get one either.

[aruzinsky]

About 40 years ago, I would run for exercise, on residential streets, late at night.  One midnight, while I was resting by walking, I saw a man coming out of an alley carrying two large shopping bags with handles.  He said, "Mr., can I ask you something?"  I was curious to know what was in his bags so I came over.  I don't remember what he said to me because I was focused on the bags which were filled with empty half gallon glass bottles.  Just as I thought to myself, "Oh, he must be collecting the bottles in the alley for the deposit money,", he said, "Wait!  Here comes a car!  Here comes a car!".  As the car passed, he ran out into the middle of the street and threw a bottle at the back of the car.  The bottle fell short and shattered all over the street.  He began violently jumping up and down while swearing at the car.  I said, "See you." and continued running.  

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Spring forward soon! Daylight Saving Time begins Sunday, March 14, 2021!

[DaveMcK]

BERNIE IS EVERYWHERE!

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

New York City Holiday Season During The Year Of Covid-19

Link: https://www.cbs.com/shows/cbs_this_morning/video/CwuG01fjQuLQ6pt_BkAXU0JOeacSPU1j/anthony-mason-expl...

[DaveMcK]

I grew up in a small town of 9500 in central Wisconsin. This is all such great memories.

SMALL TOWNS

Those who grew up in small towns will laugh when they read this. Those who didn't will be in disbelief and won't understand how true it really is.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

2) You know what 4-H means.

3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. (See #6.)

4) You used to 'drag' Main.

5) You whispered the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.

6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7) You could never buy beer because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell l your parents anyhow.) Besides, where would you get the money?

😎When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy beer, you still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to drink it.

9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.

10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson 's, and it's four houses left of the track field.

13) The golf course had only 9 holes.

14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

16) The town next to you was considered 'trashy' or 'snooty,' but was actually just like your town.

17) You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1955 as the 'rich' people.

18) The people in the 'big city' dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.

19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the dairy bar.

20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.

21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

22) Directions were given using THE stop light as a reference.

23) When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.

24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.

25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.

26) You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.

27) There was no McDonalds.

28) The closest mall was over an hour away.

29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.

31) Most people went by a nickname.

32) You laughed your butt off reading this because you know it is true, and you forward it to everyone who may have lived in a small town.

I would not have wanted to have been raised any other way!!!!

[DaveMcK]

I stole this and laughed til I cried.. 16 would be me 😎

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Which one is YOUR favorite?

[Rhymesometimes]

@DaveMcK ,  17, is that a character flaw?  🤐  Christine

[DaveMcK]

Neither of my Grandmomter's were much into cooking. However, my mother's pies would have place very well at the Green Lake County Fair. In the Summer she would pan fry the fish we caught along with homemade potato salad or cottage fries. Loved her chicken and dumplings on a cold Winter's day.

[DaveMcK]

Split Rock Lighthouse is a lighthouse located southwest of Silver Bay, Minnesota, USA on the North Shore of Lake Superior. The structure was designed by lighthouse engineer Ralph Russell Tinkham and was completed in 1910 by the United States Lighthouse Service at a cost of $75,000, including the buildings and the land. It is considered one of the most picturesque lighthouses in the United States at 110 years old.
Split Rock Lighthouse was built in response to the great loss of ships during the famous Mataafa Storm of 1905, during which 29 ships were lost or damaged on Lake Superior.[6] One of these shipwrecks, the Madeira, is located just north of the lighthouse.

The lighthouse stands on a 133-foot (41 m) sheer cliff eroded by wave action from a diabase sill containing inclusions of anorthosite. The octagonal building is a steel-framed brick structure with concrete trim on a concrete foundation set into the rock of the cliff.[6] It is topped with a large, steel lantern which features a third order, bi-valve type Fresnel lens manufactured by Barbier, Bernard and Turenne Company in Paris, France. The tower was built for a second order lens, but when construction went over budget, only enough funding remained for the smaller third order lens. The lens floats on a bearing surface of liquid mercury which allows near frictionless operation. The lens is rotated by an elaborate clockwork mechanism that is powered by weights running down the center of the tower which are then reset by cranking them back to the top. When completed, the lighthouse was lit with a kerosene oil vapor lamp.

At the time of its construction, there were no roads to the area. All building materials and supplies arrived by water and were lifted to the top of the cliff by crane. The lamp was first lit on July 31, 1910. Thanks to its scenic location, the lighthouse soon became a tourist attraction for sailors and excursion boats. So much so, that in 1924 a road (now Minnesota State Highway 61) was built to allow land access.

This photo was taken from a drone

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Observations on Aging

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! My theory on aging is that I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and many of the roads weren't paved.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

[DaveMcK]

Jail
In a crazy kind of way... this makes a little sense!! Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, plus an exercise outdoor yard with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C., a T.V., radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. Since they're older people in the rooms, fewer guards would be required thus - saving the taxpayers millions.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room, pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.