SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

The perfect husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

 "Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2008 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by KellyCM98

Great one Kelly !

The sheriff pulled up next to a guy who was unloading garbage out of his pickup into the ditch....

The sheriff said, "Why are you dumping that garbage into the ditch? Don't you see the sign right over your head?"

"Yep," he replied, "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says, "Fine for dumping garbage."     

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Rodney Dangerfield said:

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

A hooker once told me she had a headache !

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

I  knew a girl that was so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure the sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.

My wife is such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook...we pray after the meal.

I know I'm not sexy...when I put on my underwear, I can hear the Fruit of the Loom giggling.   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"Fine for dumping garbage."   LMBO

BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi

A grandpa said to his grandson.."When I was your age I had to walk 6 miles through the snow to get to school."

His grandson replied..." So, your parents couldn't afford gas either?"

*  ASPIRE TO INSPIRE, BEFORE YOU EXPIRE

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

Speaking of OLD PEOPLE like me:

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance

OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted

OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part

OLD ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted

OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history

OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures

OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate

 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Speaking of GAS....

Today it is I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM STANDING STILL FOR THIS ($4.00 gallon)

Hahahahah, folks, the joke is on us.  Oil companies still get subsidies. And we are really paying for it.

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Q.  Someone told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible..Is that true?

A.   Yes, Matthew 14:92

        "Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."