AARP Eye Center
In a Chicago hospital a gentleman made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it was always occupied.
A nurse noticed it and told him he could go ahead use the ladies room. "But", she told him, "Do not push any buttons on the wall."
Each button was identified by letters... WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
He couldn't resist, and pushed WW... Warm water sprayed his bottom gently. "How nice ! The men's room doesn't have that !" he thought.
He then pushed WA, and warm air dried him gently. "WOW" he thought with a smile.
Then he pushed PP... and a large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragile scent!
He couldn't wait any longer to try the ATR button. The next thing he knew he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was starring down at him.
"What happened??" he exclaimed.
"The ATR button is an automatic tampon remover. Your **bleep** is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN ! 
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made a ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes." 
A little girl had just finished her first week of school, "I'm just wasting my time." she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk !"
********
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly , something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found." the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear." 
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularily the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this !" 
Senators should wear uniforms like Nascar drivers,
so we could identify their corporate sponsors... 
SIGN SEEN AT VETERINARY HOSPITAL
The only balls your dog needs..
Are the ones he fetches.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming noise coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, there was her daughter stark naked, on the bed with a vibrator...
She exclaimed "What are you doing ??"
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 years old, still living with my parents, this is the closest thing I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father also found her with the humming noise going on... "What are you doing??" he demanded. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 years old and still living with my parents. This is the closest to a husband I will get."
A couple days later the mother finds her husband watching the Super Bowl with a vibrator buzzing away beside him ! "What are you doing ??" she asked. He replied, "I'm watching the game with my son-in-law."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" 
A recent article in the Daily Post, reported that a man has sued the hospital where his wife had surgery, saying that aftrwards she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied, "Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight."
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree..
Discussing things as they are meant to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two..
There's a rumor around that can't be true..
"That man descended from our noble race..
The very idea is a great disgrace!"
"No monkey ever deserted his wife,
Starved her babies and ruined her life."
"And you've never known a mother monk,
To leave her babies with others to bunk."
"Or pass from one to another
Until they scarcely knew who is their mother."
"Here's another thing a monkey won't do..
Go out at night and get on a stew."
"Or use a gun or club or knife..
To take some other monkey's life."
"Yes, man descended, the ornery cuss..
But brother, he didn't descend from us !" 
HAPPY VALENTIN'ES DAY TO ALL ! 
REDNECK VALENTINES CONT.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gun rack,
my life is complete
ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection
like the best vinyl sidin'
despite all the years
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank !
Love poem cont.
You have some a'yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in dawg heaven
And awed by yore charms.
Them fellers at work,
That all want to know..
What I did to deserve
Such a purty yung doe!
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles,
And fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a'buzzin' overhead,
You ain't mean like those far ants,
I found in my bed.
to be cont.
REDNECK LOVE POEM
Collards is green,
My dog's name is Blue,
And I'm so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you !
Yore hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin' in the breeze,
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May,
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.
Yo're satisfy'n as okry,
Jist a-fry'n in the pan..
Yo're as fragrant as 'snuff'
Right out of the can.
to be cont.
Most romantic first line...least romantic second line cont.
My feelings for you no words can tell..
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Valentines cont.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot...
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes..
**bleep**, I'm good at telling lies !
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife...
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming...
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away...
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
Valentine competition entries for most romantic first line, but least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other..
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head!
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face!
To be cont.
Would you like to be King/Queen of my double wide trailer?
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
I lost my phone number, could I have yours?
My doctor told me to start killing people...well, not in those exact words..
He said I have to reduce the amount of stress in my life.
Same thing really !
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent !
You're quite welcome ! Best wishes to you in the sunny south. 
I was eating breakfast with my 10 year old granddaughter when I asked her "What is the holiday tomorrow?"
She replied, "President's Day."
She's so smart, so I asked her if she knew what that means ?
I expected something about O'Bama, Bush or Clinton...
But she replied, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, it means another year of Bull S---!
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