AARP Eye Center
A couple were Christmas shopping. The mall was crowded and as the wife walked around, she discovered her hubby was no where to be seen.
She called him on his cell phone and asked where he was. He asked in a quiet voice, "Do you remember that jewelry store where you admired the necklace about 5 yrs. ago and I said I would get it for you some day?"
The wife chocked up, started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember," The husband continued, "Well, I'm in the Pub next door." 
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?"
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer. We're sick and tired of each other. I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up...
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck their getting a divorce, I'll take care of this!"
She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a thing until I get there. DO YOU HEAR ME?"
The old man hangs up the phone, smiles at his wife and says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving, and paying their own way." 
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
Unfortunately. all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for who the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmy responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." 
A famous viking explorer returned home from a voyage, and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying..." I must have taken Leif off my census." 
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you had better be good or you're history. Here's your equiptment...chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walk past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body...
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, " Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Old age is golden , or so I've heard it said....
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into my bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup..
My glasses on the table, until I get up.
As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself...
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my youth is all spent...
Is my get up and go, has got up and went !
But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin...
And think of the places, ny get up has been ! 
During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says:
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and Blood Pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts to take of her undies, but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! leave your knickers on. Just stick out your tongue !"
NEW: AARP Games Tournament Tuesdays! This week, achieve a top score in Space Adventure Pinball and you could win $100! Learn More.
