SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

I've come to the conclusion that I am not old...

I'm crispy...

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in a parking lot.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it avoids you!

I thought I was having a hot flash, until I realized my boobs were in my coffee...

A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of Jack Daniels. The bar tender lines the up.The guy slams 'em all down, back to back. The bartender says, "Man, I've never seen anyone drink so fast!"

The guy says, "You would too if you have what I have."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy replies, "Fifty cents."    

I went to a Duncan Donuts this morning.... You can never understand the first 8 words that come through the mike, before they say"Welcome to Duncan Donuts"..

It usually goes something like this...." gndurnf eyhdf,fsvsdj,cevbdhjds... welcome to Duncan Donuts."

I wonder what those first 8 words are? Maybe.... "Hello dumbo, I'm fartin' in your coffee cup right now. Welcome to D&D..... or..

"I slept with your aunt Treeser last nite.. welcome to D&D....

"I wish I could run out and throw a cup of hot coffee in your crotch... Welcome to Duncan Donuts !"

Bob Marley

CHRISTMAS  LETTER TO SANTA........

Dear Santa,

I've been very good for the last week or so...

Let's just focus on that.

The money it's been costing me to heat my house this year, I hope Santa DOES bring me coal!

I'm losing my voice. I think it may be  TINSELITUS.!

I'm dreaming of  white Christmas...

And when the white's all gone,

I'll drink all the red!

Cute signs:

Your name is not Calvin Klein...you are not an underwear model.

If you want service here, Pull up your pants!

Please be patient. Even a toilet can only handle one a--h--e  at a time.

The secret to being happy is having a good sense of humor and a dirty mind!

SOCIALIST THUGGIES:

The only diaper that already comes full of crap !

****************************************************

Christmas lights remind me of Politicians...

They all hang together. Half of the suckers don't work...

and the other ones that do, aren't

all that bright!

As a teacher, Ms. Jones was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on Kathleen...

"Tell me, What do you do for Christmas?" she asked.

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my family go to midnight mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings."

"Very nice." she said.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class, and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Kevin Cohen, what do you do for Christmas?"

"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the cadillac , then we drive to his toy factory. When we get there, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing.......

"What a friend we have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas."

A daughter asked her dad...  "Dad, there is something my boyfriend said to me that I don't understand...  He said I have a beautiful chassis, two lovely airbags, and a fantastic bumper."

Dad says:  " You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check your oil, I'll give him such a service that his motor oil will cease and his exhaust will fall off !"

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Fransico. The pastor of the church was looking over the lawn and he noticed the baby Jesus figure was missing from the manger.

He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in it was the figure of the infant Jesus.

So he walked up to him and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take HIm?"

The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

                           MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE !

I knew I was going bald, when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face....

I knew the romance was dead, when I drank champagne out of the old gals slipper, and choked on a Dr. Scholl's foot pad !

One day you'll look in the mirror, and realize the face you're shaving is your fathers.

Laugh a little every day. It's better than chicken soup!  

When it's winter time in Maine..

And the gentle breezes blow..

About seventy miles an hour,

And it's fifty-two below..

You can tell you're in Maine,

'Cause the snows up to your butt,

And you take a breath of fresh air,

And your nose holes both freeze shut !

The weather here is wonderful..

So I guess I'll stick around..

I could never leave Maine,

My feet are frozen to the ground!