SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

An oldie, but a goodie:

A young man with his pants hangng off his a$$ , two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi, you know I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.... I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in a 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy,just plain wide-eyed, said, "You've got to be bullshi-- in' me!"

The social worker said................. "Yeah, well....you started it." ☺

Dear Algebra:

Stop asking us to find your "X".....

She's not coming back !

***************************

I'm not sure if I have some free time on my hands,

Or if I'm just forgetting to do something....

*********************

I think more about running away now than I did when I was a child.....

But, by the time I put in my teeth, get my glasses on, and find my

keys, I forget why I'm going.

******************

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in

the dryer for ten minutes and come out

wrinkle free, back to our original shape,

three sizes smaller, and smelling April fresh ??

YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT A TSA AGENT THE SAME WAY AGAIN.....

1. Grope discounts available.

2. Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.

3. If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.

4..Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

5. Don't worry , my hands are still warm from the last guy.

6.  Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

7.  We've handled more balls than Barney Frank.

8.  We are now free to move about your pants.

9.  We rub you the wrong way,so you can be on your way.

10. It's not a grope,it's a "Freedom Pat."

11. When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

A BIG CYBER WELCOME TO OUR NEWEST SHARE A JOKE MEMBERS ..

USERBCMRBILL

FROGDAD

ECHANOINE 2

LAUGHING ACRES

HELLYNBABY

DANCING LADY

JAGGWIRE

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"Somebody get me a priest!" gasped the man.

"Is there a priest in the crowd?" yelled a policeman.

Finally out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80's.

"Mr. Policeman, I'm not a priest, but for 50 years I've lived behind the Catholic church and I've overheard their services, maybe I can be some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to the injured man. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

B-4.....I-19...N-38....G-54...0-72....

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior will walk past, put his face  to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, " What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a--holes."

Without skipping a beat the iold timer said, "Must be doing well....Only two left."

Moral:  DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE. ☺

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the Vet's, when they strike up a conversation.

The Black Lab turns to the Chocolate Lab and says," So, why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replies," I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids... But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Black Lab says, "So, what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply. "They reckon it will calm me down. Now tell me, why are you here?"

The Yellow Lab chimes in...."I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flower beds,I dig just for the hell of it. But last night I went over the line and dug a big hole in my owner's couch."

"So, what are they gonna do to you?" asks the Black Lab.

"Looks like I'm gonna lose my nuts too." says the Yellow Lab.

The Yellow Lab turns to the Black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper, I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever . I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got ot of the shower and was bending over to dry her toes. I couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Yellow and Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you, huh?"

The Black Lab says...... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."  ☺

A couple were celebrating their 25th Wedding Anniversary.  They had a wonderful life with 2 children. Everytime they made love, the Husband wanted all the lights off. After the Anniversary, Celebration, the Wife said "I wanna make Love with the lights on".  The Husband replied "No Honey, why mess up a good thing?"  So, the Husband proceded to make love to is Wife with all the lights off. As the Wife was enjoying the actions of her Husband, she reached over & turned on the bedside lamp. Much to her surprise, her Husband was using a Vibrator.  The Wife was furious, She exclaimed "A vibrator?  How can you explain this?"  The Husband Replied back, "2 Children, How can you explain that?"   

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on the weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old grandson for a drive in the car for some quality time...just the two of them.

One particular Saturday , however, he had a bad cold and couldn't go. His wife came to the rescue and took the child out for a ride.

When they returned, the little boy anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" he asked.

"Oh yes, PapPap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single a--hole, blind bastard, dipsh--, or a SOB anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?   ☺

A couple had been married for 50 years.They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jay bird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table."You know, honey",the little old lady breathlessly replied," I'm as hot for you now as I was fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One nipple is in your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal."  ♥