SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit...which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered, so frustrated Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all of the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree...The angel said cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

When it's winter time in Maine..

And the gentle breezes blow..

About seventy miles and hour,

And it's fifty-two below..

You can tell you're in Maine

'cause the snow's up to your butt...

And you take a breath of winter air,

And your nose holes both freeze shut.

The weather here is wonderful,

SO is guess I'll hang around..

I could NEVER leave Maine

My feet are frozen to the ground !    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A golfer accidentally over-turned his cart. Hearing the crash, a woman , who lived on the golf course came out and yelled "Are you okay? Come on up to the house and get some bandages."  "No", he said. "My wife wouldn't like it."

"You're hurt! Come in, do you want a drink?"

"My wife would be very unhappy,"

"Nonsense! You need something." She started to remove her clothes......

"Wait ! My wife will be furious."

"Don't be silly, this will be better than anesthesia."

Afterwards he began to dress quickly. "Where are you running off too?"

"My wife is going to kill me."

"She'll never know. Where is she anyway?"

"Under the golf cart!"  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking out over the lawn and he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the manger...

He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take Him?"

The little boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

Out of the mouths of babes.......

        MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE ! 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by

It's three days after Christmas, I'm crabby and I'm broke...

I'm so full of ham and fruitcake, I think I'm gonna croak !

It's nice to see the relatives, I wonder when they'll leave.

They've been camping in my bathroom, since early Christmas Eve !

They're eating everything in sight, and sleeping in my bed...

I been sacked out in the basement, with my Beagle Fred.

The relatives have all gone out, and left their screaming brats...

The toilet bowls plugged up, and I can't find the cats.

It's Christmas time at my house, the relatives are here..

They eat me out of house and home, and drink up all my beer.

I love the decorations, and the sleighbells in the snow..

But I wish those pesky relatives would take their kids and go!

Those cookie crunchers fed the dog , a twenty pound rib roast..

His feet are sticking in the air, like skinny old fence posts.

Now they're in a free-for-all, the girls against the boys....

They're fighting over boxes 'cause they're bored with all their toys.

My mother-in-law is snoring, in my favorite TV chair....

Those kids are stringing lights on her and tinseling her hair.

I oughta wake her up, before the fireworks begin....

But I wanna see those blue sparks fly...

When they plug her in !    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, he'll go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow Jaundice for three years, before he realized she was Chinese.

Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill yet, so the doctor gave him another six months.

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said," There is a man here who thinks he's invisible. " The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

A man came running into his office yelling, "Doctor, doctor! my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I remember one time I told my doctor I had ringing in my ears...His advice...

"Don't answer it."

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places...

You know doctors can be so frustrating..you wait for a month and a half for an appointment and then he says....

"I wish you would have come to me sooner!"

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

HAPPY 2013 TO ALL  !!!

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man said to his wife.."I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time!"

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !"   

Three little moles,crawling through their tunnel,nose to tail. They pass an open window where breakfast is cooking.

The first little mole says "I smell bacon!"

The second little mole says "I smell pancakes!"

The third little mole says "I smell molasses!'