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BonnieC10
Community Champion ⭐⭐
July 12, 2010

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

  • July 12, 2010
  • 2655 replies
  • 427424 views

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    BonnieC10Author
    Community Champion ⭐⭐
    March 6, 2011

    In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                            BEST JOKE FOR 2011

     

    George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Validmar Putin all die and go to hell...

    While they are there, they spy a red phone and ask what it is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

    Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes...When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

    Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours!  When he's fnished the devil informs him the cost is $5.00.......

    When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply..

    The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."    

    libbyboi
    libbyboi
    Contributor ⭐⭐
    March 6, 2011

    per--- Best joke of 2011, That is the  real thing.. Love it , did my old repub. heart good. LOL   Got to send this one to my cousin, she will be rolling on the floor in laughter.. Thanks  libby

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    BonnieC10Author
    Community Champion ⭐⭐
    March 7, 2011

    In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi

    Libby: This one's for you!   LOL

    I was eating lunch with my 10 yr.old grandson when his mom asked him "What is tomorrow?" He said "Presidents Day."

    She asked, "What does that mean?"  I was waiting for something profound...........

    He said....

    "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment .."

    I almost snorted my coffee. 

    nell2
    nell2
    Contributor ⭐⭐
    March 7, 2011

    In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

    "President's Day is when Obama? lol nell

    libbyboi
    libbyboi
    Contributor ⭐⭐
    March 7, 2011

    If there are any retired Rn out there  get ready to roll. I could add some of my 23 years as an RN to this but not this time.   Later-----Libby

    Life can be funnier than fiction. thats for sure.

     

     

    EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

                             1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ..'
    My wife's  going to have her baby in the cab.' 
    I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
    dress and began to take off her underwear.          
    Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
    and I was in the wrong one.     

    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
    San Francisco

    2... At the beginning of my shift     
    I placed a stethoscope on an elderly     
    and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.     

    'Big breaths,'. . .  I instructed.
    'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient. 

    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
    Seattle , WA

    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
    news when I told a wife that her husband had
    died of a massive myocardial infarct.     

    Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
    reporting to the rest of the family that he had
    died of a 'massive internal fart.'

    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

    4. During a patient's two week follow-up
    appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
    me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
    one of his medications..     
    ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...     
    The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'     
    I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
    I wouldn't see.     
    Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!     

    Now, the instructions include removal of
    the old  patch before applying a new one.

    Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
    Norfolk , VA

    5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
    I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'     
    After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ..     
    ' Why, not for about twenty years - when  my husband was alive.'

    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- 
    Corvallis , OR

    6. I was performing rounds at the
    hospital one morning and while checking
    up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your
    breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good
    except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
    to get used to the taste..'. .. . Bob replied.     
    I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
    a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
    Detroit ,

    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
    when a young woman with purple hair styled
    into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety
    of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
    entered . . . It  was quickly determined that
    the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
    scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
    table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
    been dyed green and above it there was a
    tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'     

    Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
    wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
    which said 'Sorry . . . had to  mow the lawn.'

    Submitted by RN no name,
              
                         AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

       8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.      
    I was quite embarrassed when performing female
    pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
    I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.     

    The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing     
    and further embarrassing me.     
    I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.  . .
    ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
    She replied with tears running down
    her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .     

    ' No doctor  but the song you were whistling was . . .
    ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

       Dr. wouldn't submit his name.....

     
    1 MORE

     
    Baby's First Doctor Visit
     
    This made me laugh out loud. 
    I hope it will give you a smile! 
     
    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. 
     
    The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
    'Breast-fed,' she replied.. 
     
    'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. 

    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. 

    Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 
     
    I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
     
    But I'm glad I came.
     
     
     

     
    B
    BonnieC10Author
    Community Champion ⭐⭐
    March 8, 2011

    In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                MAXINE'S ST. PATTY'S DAY WISH

     

    MAY THE WIND AT YOUR BACK, NOT BE THE RESULT OF THE CORN BEEF AND CABBAGE YOU HAD FOR LUNCH.

    libbyboi
    libbyboi
    Contributor ⭐⭐
    March 8, 2011

    Great  Patty's Day wish Bonnie. You know spring is coming near when the Patty' Day wishes come out.  LOL

    B
    BonnieC10Author
    Community Champion ⭐⭐
    March 9, 2011

    In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi

    "Tis surely true Libby! ...LOL

     

    Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?

    A.  A bachelor.     

    B
    BonnieC10Author
    Community Champion ⭐⭐
    March 9, 2011

    In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

    Did you hear the one about the young Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

     

    Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

    "That's grand," shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"

     

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive....

    It's called Wedding cake.    

    B
    BonnieC10Author
    Community Champion ⭐⭐
    March 10, 2011

    In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi

                  HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

     

    A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctor operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

    Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got up enough energy to pull his hospital gown up so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts, were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.....if at all.

    Written on the tape in large black letters was this sentence, :"Get well soon. From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

    Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?  

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