- AARP Online Community
- Ideas, Tips & Answers
- AARP Rewards
- Home & Family
- Work & Jobs
- ITA Archive
- Health Forums
- Brain Health
- Conditions & Treatments
- Healthy Living
- Medicare & Insurance
- Health Tips
- Ask for a Health Tip
- Leave a Health Tip
- Retirement Forum
- Social Security
- Retirement Archive
- Money Forums
- Budget & Savings
- Scams & Fraud
- Travel Forums
- Solo Travel
- Home & Family Forums
- Friends & Family
- Introduce Yourself
- Late Life Divorce
- Our Front Porch
- The Girlfriend
- Home & Family Archive
- Politics & Society Forums
- Politics, Current Events
- Technology Forums
- Computer Questions & Tips
- About Our Community
- Entertainment Forums
- Rock N' Roll
- TV Talk
- Let's Play Bingo!
- Leisure & Lifestyle
- Writing & Books
- Entertainment Archive
- Grief & Loss
- Share and Find Caregiving Tips - AARP Online Community
- Ask for a Caregiving Tip
- Leave a Caregiving Tip
- Work & Jobs
- Work & Jobs
- AARP Rewards
- AARP Rewards Tips
- Earn Activities
- AARP Rewards Connect
- AARP Help
- Benefits & Discounts
- General Help
In response to all the Emails about my dog:
Please be advised I'm sick and tired of answering questions about him. Yes, he bit 6 people wearing O'Bama T-shirts, 4 people wearing Pelosi T-shirts, 2 car drivers with O'Bama/ Reid bumper stickers, 9 flag burners and a Pakistani taxi driver...
For the last time, the dog IS NOT FOR SALE !
No. I do note approve of his smoking, but he says it helps get rid of the "Bad taste" in his mouth.
"Don't teach me how to handle my children. I'm living with one of yours. You don't know sh--!"
Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture. All the knives wew missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her. "HI, what are you doing?"
HIs honest reply......................... "MISSING YOU ."
A lady to doctor:
"My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
"Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake."
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife... Natural disasters just happen.
Doctor: "Mad'am, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills."
Wife: " Doc, when should I give them to him?"
Dod: " They're for you !! "
One fine day, in the middle of the night...
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other...
Took out their swords and shot each other.
A deaf and dumb policeman heard the noise..
Got up and shot, the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this story's true..
Ask my blind Uncle, he saw it too !
"Hello, you've reached the Men's Help Line. My name is Bob, how can I help you?"
"Hi, Bob. I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for months now that my wife is cheating on me. There have been the usual signs. The phone rings, and if I answer, they hang up. Plus she goes out with the 'girls' a lot.
Last night I hid behind my boat in the garage and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then removed her panties from her purse and slipped them on."
It was then that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting brackett. Is that something I can repair, or would I need to replace the whole brackett?"
A man brings his best friend home to dinner unannounced at 7:30 p.m. after work.
His wife begins screaming at him, and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm in my PJ's and can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the Hell did you bring him home?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married, and I promised him a demo."
I do not like this Uncle Sam
I do not like his Health Care Scam..
I do not like these dirty crooks
Or how they lie and cook the books...
I do not like when Congress steals
I do not like their 'Sweetheart deals'.
I did not like that speaker man..
I do not like "Yes we can ! "
I do not like the spending spree..
I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.
I do not like their smug replies..
When I complain about their lies.
I do not like this kind of hope
I do not like it NOPE, NOPE, NOPE !
It is the VETERAN, not the preacher,
Who has given us freedom of religion.
It is the VETERAN, not the reporter,
Who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the VETERAN, not the poet,
Who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the VETERAN, not the campus organizer,
Who has given us freedom to assemble.
It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer,
Who has given us the right to a fair trial.
It is the VETERAN, not the politician,
Who has given us the right to vote.
It is the VETERAN,
Who salutes the Flag!
ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM.
VETERANS KNOW THAT THE OATH OF ALLEGIANCE HAS NO EXPIRATION DATE.
"If God wanted us to vote, He would have given us candidates."
"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."
Henry Cate Vll ~
"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."
"If we got one- tenth of what was promised to us in Election speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to Heaven."
"When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become Prime Minister or President. I'm beginning to believe it."
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
"Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel."
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other."
One Payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a Bit O Honey, so he took Miss Hershey downtown to the corner of Main and 5th Avenue.
He began to feel her Mounds with his Butterfinger, that was pure Almond Joy.
It made her Tootsie Roll and he let out a Snicker and she screamed, "Oh Henry!. You are even better than the Musketeers."
Soon she became Chunky, and nine months later Baby Ruth was born.
1. Go buy a turkey
2. Have a drink of whiskey.
3. Put the turkey in the oven.
4. Take another drink of whiskey.
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens.
6. Take another drink of whiskey.
7. Turn oven the on.
8. Take another drink of whiskey.
9. Turk the bastey.
10. Whiskey another bottle get.
11. Stick a turket in the thermometer.
12. Glass yourself a pour of whickey.
13, Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14. Take the oven out of the turkey.
15. Take the oven out of the turkey.
16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.
17. Turk the carvey.
18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.