Community Champion ⭐⭐

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Forum|Forum|16 years ago
July 12, 2010
2655 replies
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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini....

Each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me" said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothin", said the irishman. "Me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

An Irishman arrived at JFK airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick..

"No," he replied, "I 've lost all me luggage."

"How'd that happen?" the employee asked."

"The cork fell out !" said the Irishman.

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An Irish priest is driving to New York, and gets stopped for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water." says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord ! He's done it again !"

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

Two Irishmen , Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a traumatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish...not the standard three.

Without giving it much thought, Partick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guiness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaniously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guiness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick, whose wish had been granted.

After along, tension moment, he spoke:

"Nice going Patrick ! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat !!!"

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

************************************************************

AN IRISH BLESSING

MAY THE SUN SHINE

ALL DAY LONG..

EVERYTHING GO RIGHT..

AND NOTHING WRONG...

MAY THOSE YOU LOVE

BRING LOVE BACK TO YOU..

AND MAY ALL THE WISHES YOU WISH

COME TRUE.

***************************************************************

MAY YOUR POCKETS

BE HEAVY...

AND YOUR HEART

BE LIGHT.

MAY GOOD LUCK

PURSUE YOU,

EACH MORNING

AND NIGHT.

***************************************************************

Like the gold of the sun...

Like the light of the day...

May the luck of the Irish,

Shine bright on your way.

Like the glow of a star,

And the lilt of a song...

May these be your joys,

All your life long.

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

The first batter approached the batter's box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run !"

The next batter hit a single and the irishman listened as the crowd again cheered, "Run ! Run !"

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called, "Walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Run, run ye stupid idiot, run !"

The people around him began laughing....

Embarrassed, the irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run...he's got four balls"

The Irishman stood up and screamed..

"Walk with pride, laddie !"

******************************************************************

May you always have..

Walls for the wind..

A roof for the rain...

Tea beside the fire..

Laughter to cheer you..

Those you love near you..

And all your heart

Might desire.

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

MAXINE SAYS:

It's OK to pretend we're Irish on St. Patrick's Day.We pretend we're good on Christmas don't we?

If you find a four leaf clover, it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.

Pinch me on St. Patrick's Day, and the roads gonna rise up to meet your face.

I actually saw a green leprechaun once. After enough green beer, you see all kinds of stuff.

Will you be bringing noisemakers to the St. Patrick's Day party? Or will you be hiring a sitter?

No green food for me. I get enough of that from my fridge.

I finally figured out why Leprechaun's dress so funny. They're single guys who've never had a wife.

*****************************************************************

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

Paddy, the famous Irishman,is driving home after downing a few beers at the local pub. He turns the corner and much to his horror sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it, and almost too late realizes there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again continuing to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees....

Moments later he hears a siren, and pulls his car to a stop. The officer asks him what on earth he's doing?

Paddy tells him the story of the trees in the road, and the officer stops him and says.....

"Paddy !! Fer goodness sake, that's yer air freshener!!"

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

MAXINE SAYS:

Will you be bringing noisemakers to the St. Patrick's Day party? Or will you be hiring a sitter?

No green food for me, I get enough of that from my own fridge.

It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

Kiss me ! I'm irate !

I finally figured out why Leprechauns dress so funny. They're single guys who've never had a wife.

Not all who wander are lost....

Just the people who spent too long at the parade.

May the wind at your back, not be the result of the corn beef and cabbage you had for lunch.

The invitation said, "Come as you are."

I came hungry.

I actually saw a leprechaun once..

After enough green beer, you see all kinds of stuff.

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AARPLynne

Conversationalist ⭐⭐⭐

RonnieSteve5852

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the Local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & bang your wife while you was off huntin' and she got knocked up and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

And, I like Tennessee, really I do.

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

Good one Ron ... keep 'em coming !

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gearz8888

Contributor ⭐

A China man & a Jew are drinking at a bar. Suddenly the Jew stands up & throws his drink in the Chinaman's face. "What was that for?" asked the China man. "That was for Pearl Harbor!" replied the Jew. "Pearl Harbor was the Japanese not the Chinese!" exclaimed the China man. "Chinese,Japanese you all look alike to me!" retorted the Jew. How am I going to get him back? thought the China man as he wiped his face with a bar towel. Suddenly he throws his drink in the Jew's face. "Oy vey!" shouted the Jew. "What was that for?"."That was for the Titanic!". "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!". "Iceberg,Goldberg you all look alike to me!"