If your're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said "I woke up one morning and all my stuff had been stolen....and replaced by exact duplicates."

HIs mind see thngs differently than we do...to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems.

Borrow money from pessimists...they don't expect it back.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other body parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want a rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

( to be cont.)

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

All those who believe in psycho kinesis.. raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the worng lane.

I intend to live forever, so far, so good!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The problem with the gene pool , is that there is no lifeguard.

Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have film.

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

"Every man has three characters- that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has."

Henry Drummond

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said, "I miss Detriot."

So, I broke the window and stole the radio and left a note that read, "I hope this helps."

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra...

The mom asks , " Why on earth do you need Viagra?"

The little boy replies,... "Isn't that what you give Dad when his shi- won't get hard?"

AARPLynne

Conversationalist ⭐⭐⭐

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

A 70 year old man asked his wife, "Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?"

The wife replied, "No, not at all. Even dogs chase cars they can't drive."

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

Q. Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A. The alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q. Why do Jewish mother's make great parole officers?

A. They never let anyone finish a sentence.

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on, I hear the Fruit -of -the - Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I'm so ugly that my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my Father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."

I'm so ugly, my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a Policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, " I don't know, there's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump next Thursday.

I'm so ugly . I once worked in a pet shop, and the customers kept asking how big I'd get....

I went to see my doctor, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I throw upWhat's wrong with me?" He said, "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

One year they wanted to make me the poster boy for birthcontrol..

I went to the doctor because I had swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got ! We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times.... three of those times I was reading it.

My Uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

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c869050m

Contributor ⭐

A coupl in a nusing home announced that they were getting a divorce after 75 years of marriage. The Chaplain was sent to their apartment to counsel them. "Oh, we've been meaning to do this for years. We were just waiting for the children to die."

aw5266770

Contributor ⭐⭐

Years ago, our nation's highways were graced by "Burma Shave" ads. There would be 4 or 5 ad signs, placed about a mile apart, consisting of prose or poetry that connected to prose or poetry on the next sign. For example:

If the skirts get any shorter ...

... and a mile later ...

And if the wind will not behave...

... and a mile later ...

There'll be two more cheeks to powder...

... and a mile later ...

And one more place to shave.

... and a mile later ...

aw5266770

Contributor ⭐⭐

Here's another one. Three senior men are sitting on a park bench. The first man is in his 60s, the second man is in his 70s, and the 3rd man is in his 80s. The following conversation takes place:

Senior #1 -- Every time I go to bed, I have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee.

Senior #2 -- That's not all that bad. I have to wake 3 times in the middle of the night to pee. And when I try to pee, only a trickle comes out.

Senior #3 -- You think that's bad? I go to bed at 11pm, sleep through the night, and promptly at 7am I pee like a racehorse!

Seniors #1 & #2 -- What's so bad about that???

Senior #3 -- (lowering his head & blushing) Well, I don't actually wake up until 8am.

aw5266770

Contributor ⭐⭐

And, here's one more. A senior couple is sitting in their rocking chairs on their front porch, rocking back and forth. All of a sudden, the wife stops rocking, gets a scowl on her face, and picks up her cane. Then WHAM! - she brings the cane down hard on her husband's lap.

"What was that for?" asked her shocked husband.

"That's for 50 years of bad sex!" the wife replied. Then, she puts her cane down and they both start rocking in their chairs again. But after a few minutes, the husband stops rocking, gets a scowl on his face, and picks up his cane. Then WHAM! - he brings the cane down hard on his wife's lap.

"What was that for?" asked the shocked wife.

The husband replied, "That's for knowing the difference."

aw5266770

Contributor ⭐⭐

One more before I go to bed. A woman in her late 80s goes to see her doctor for a routine annual exam and a few simple lab tests. After the tests come back, the doctor goes back to the woman and says, "Your tests came back good. For a woman in her 80s, you're in exceptionally good health. But, before I let you go, let me know if you have any health concerns you'd like to discuss."

The woman blushes and says, "Not really ... not for me, anyway. But my son complains that I fart too much. It's true that I do fart a lot. But, most of them are silent and none of them smell bad."

"Really?" the doctor said in surprise.

"Yes. As a matter of fact, I've farted three times since I came into this office ... and they were all silent and none of them smelled bad."

The doctor nodded and reached into his medicine chest for some sample medication, and replied, "Well, just to keep your son happy, take these pills tonight before you go to bed."

She thanks the doctor and leaves. But the next morning, she's right back at the doctors office. And when the doctor finally sees her, she says "What did you do to me??? This morning, I started farting like I usually do. But the farts were loud and they all smelled terrible!!!"

The doctor smiled and replied, "Great! Now that we've fixed your hearing and sinus issues, let's see what we can do about your gas problem."

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