SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

If you're talking about me behind my back.....

You're in a good position to kiss my a$$  !

only Bonnie could come up with this one/ love it  LMBO  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Handle every stressful situation like a dog....

Pee on it, and walk away..      

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                             VERY PUNNY

A thief broke into the local Police station and stole all the toilets and urinals...leaving no clues..

A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."     

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was estatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the the last one.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch gold on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that the last five years, I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought. Then he added, "You know it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The last guy I went out with had a lot in common with the tires on my car....

Bald, unbalanced, and full of hot air !         

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game....

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $500." he says. This catches the seniors' attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends an e-mail to all his smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the cash and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the senior and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5. and goes back to sleep.   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                  MAXINE SAYS:

"I could start my Christmas shopping now, but what would I do Christmas Eve?"    

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                               AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

iF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

iF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES, THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES, NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND HITTING THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT, BY USING THE SINK.

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

As we age, our sense of humor changes along with other things...I'm sure that these are not politically correct in today's world....so what !

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered,

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little ....  darling  : )

Mary had a little lamb,

Her father shot it dead,

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To have a little fun....

Stupid Jill forgot the pill,

And now they have a son..

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon, to the pie man, "What do you have there?"

Said the pie man to Simple Simon....

"Pies, you dumb a$$  !!  "       

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell

Jack and Jill went up the hill,to fetch a pail of water.Jack had 2 dollars but when they came back- Jill had the2 dollars, do you think they went after water....