Community Champion ⭐⭐

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Forum|Forum|16 years ago
July 12, 2010
2655 replies
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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by JanieB

Janie....welcome aboard. Thanks for my smile this a.m.

Papa mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "What a beautiful day, I smell honey!"

Then mama mole sticks her head out of the hole and says, "Oh, Yum ! I smell honey too."

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air..... but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine..."Geez, all I can smell is...........................

MOLEASSES !

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

If you're talking about me behind my back.....

You're in a good position to kiss my a$$ !

RonnieSteve5852

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

Thanks for posting !! Have a great day

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.. No matter how horrible the circumstances, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it....

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night and found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse..."

"How in Hell?" asked his bewildered friends.

"Well, " replied Frank. "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now."

nell2

Contributor ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Franks right he would be dead.....LOL

just nell

RonnieSteve5852

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office, and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration...

"What troubles you Sister?" Asked Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spend with your family?"

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can."

"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it." snorted the Sister, "In fact, I even cursed !"

"MY goodness ! " gasped Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it."

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster. A 540-yard, Par 5, with a nasty dogleg to the right and a hidden green... I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted....but it hits a bird in flight!"

"Oh my, commiserated the Mother, "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister !"

"No, that wasn't it, While I was still trying to fathom what happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway."

"Oh that would have made me blaspheme !" said Mother.

"But I didn't Mother !" sobbed Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"That's when you cursed." Mother said with a knowing smile.

"NO, that wasn't it either!" cried the Sister... "Because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel dropped the ball out of his paws, and it rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.............

"You missed the f----- putt, didn't you !!! "

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

4 Older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac...But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too.. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," said the third lady, "I too must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make.!"

R

rosa2sail

Contributor ⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

This is a GREAT ONE.. Thanks.. Made me laugh ~ smiles ha ha

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

I could go for a hayride, or I could shove sharp sticks down my pants....same difference.

I must be sleepwalking... I've wandered into some bad Charlie Brown dream !

HAPPY HALLOWEEN !

B

BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by rosa2sail

Welcome Rosa ~

Hope your day is a great one !

An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening...

She was impressed by the way the friend preceeded every request to her hubby with an indearing term, such as " Honey, My Love, Darling,Sweetheart, Pumpkin etc."

The couple head been married nearly 70 years and clearly were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, she leaned over to her host and said, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your hubby all those pet names!

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said. "His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old a$$hole what his name really is !"

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Three little ducks go into a bar.....

"Say, what's your name?" asks the bartender to the first duck.

"Huey"... replies the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.

"Great ! Lovely day, had a ball . Been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck want?"

"Oh, nice!"

"What's your name ?" he asks the second duck.

"Dewey, and I've had a great day as well. In and out of Puddles all day, what else could a duck want?"

The bartender turns to duck number three and says, "Your name must be Louie?"

"No"...... she bats her eyelashes.......

"My name is.....

Puddles.

RonnieSteve5852

Contributor ⭐⭐⭐

Husband’s Message (by cellphone):

Honey,I got hit by a car outside of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife’s Response:

Who is Paula?

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said.. "My grandpa is lost."

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa."

The guard smiled and then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke thought for a moment and then said,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

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BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

First let me thank our members, new and old for sharing your smiles with us.

I hope everyone is having a terrific summer. I will be away for the remainder of the week and will not be posting. I'll catch everyone when I return. In the meantime.....

"Keep on smilin' "

J

J0yce1

Contributor ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Hey, Bonnie,

Hope you had great vacation..I'm not certain where you could go that would be nicer than Maine?

I spent many happy summers Falmouth, Foreside until daugher returned to Michigan.

-----

The train was en route from Bangor to Portland. One of Maine's typical sons was stretched across two seats in the day-coach contemplating the rugged scenery. At a small station another male boarded the coach. The passenger had the eager, inquiring eye and the long prehensile nose of a certain sub-species of the genus Yankee, of which he was a perfect specimen.

As he slumped down alongside the sprawling one, the newcomer spied in the rack above their heads a stout, smallish wooden box, heavily corded, with augur holes bored in the sides and ends of it. Speaking in a gorgeous Down-East drawl the inquisitive party put his first question:

"Nice day?"

"Yep," said the other.

"Goin' fur?"

"Portland."

"Portland, huh? - live thar?"

"No, visiting."

"That your box up thar?"

"Yep."

"Looks kind of solid?"

"Is."

"Looks kind of heavy, too?"

"Is."

"Got holes in it, I see?"

"Yep."

"Whut's the holes fur?"

"Air."

"Whut you need air fur?"

"So it can breathe."

"So whut kin breathe?"

"What's inside."

"Oh!... Well, whut is inside?"

"Mongoose."

"Mon which?"

"No, mongoose."

"Mongoose, heh?"

"Yep."

"Whut the heck is a mongoose?"

"Small East Indian animal."

"Slick?"

"No, furry."

"Tame?"

"Not very."

"Would it bite you?"

"In a minute."

"Whut you want with a critter like that?"

The pestered traveler straightened up.

"Well," he said, "I'll tell you. A mongoose is an animal that lives off reptiles - snakes, lizards, toads. I've got an uncle in Portland. Fine man, respected citizen and all that, but he's got one weakness. Drinks. When he drinks he's bothered by snakes and lizards. I'm taking the mongoose down there to eat 'em."

"Yes, but gosh! Them varmints he sees is imaginary snakes!"

"Well, this is an imaginary mongoose." (By Irvin S. Cobb)

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