Funny Stories and Life Experiences

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I  planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or maybe twice.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

My theory on aging is two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

I had no problem with the word scrambling!

There was once a lawyer who purchased a box of very rare and expensive  cigars and then insured them against fire among other things. Within a  month he smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and  without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy,  the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.  In his claim, the  lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The  insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the  man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

 In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company  that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the  lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the  cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them  against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable  fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.   
 Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance  company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss  of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

 After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him  arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and  testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was  convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was  sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

If you can read this, you have a powerful and perceptive mind. Note:  Only 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

How did you do?

On God’s Time

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?” and God said, “A minute.”

Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?” and God said, “A penny.”

Then the man asked, “God…..can I have a penny?” and God said, “Sure…..in a minute.”

This short story brought tears to my eyes...

A Dish of Ice Cream

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

“How much is an ice cream sundae?”

“50 cents,” replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it.

“How much is a dish of plain ice cream?” he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient.

“35 cents,” she said brusquely.

The little boy again counted the coins. “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.

When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw.

There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were 15 cents – her tip.

MARRIAGE & FAMILY

RALPH LINSALATA:

• Tell your spouse and children that you love them every day, no matter how you feel.
• Do not bring your problems home with you.
• Realize the joy that comes from helping your spouse and children excel in their fields of interest and enjoy themselves.
• Develop within your family a sense of obligation to help others.
• Spending quality time with your family — not just time — is critical.
• Choose a spouse who will understand and support you, and one for whom you will do the same. Life is much better if you can help each other grow and expand your knowledge, experiences, friends, and capabilities.