Funny Stories and Life Experiences

Don't wake up until ten
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy year old. "When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old. "No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I piss like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the seventy year old. "No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the sixty year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty ?" To which the eighty year old replied, "I don't wake up until ten."

Repost I believe!

The Chief  Petty Officer was bragging to the Ensign one day. You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them.
Tired of his boasting, the Ensign called his bluff, Okay, Chief, how about Tom Cruise.

Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it.

So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, Chief ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!

Although impressed, the Ensign is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells the Chief that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. No, no, just name anyone else, the Chief says. President Bush, the Ensign quickly retorts.

Yep I know him, let's fly out to Washington.

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and motions them over, saying, Chief, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and that Ensign come on in and let's catch up.

Well, the Ensign is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to the Chief, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The new Pope, the Ensign replies. Sure, I've known the Pope a long time. So, off they fly to Rome. They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the Chief says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope. He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, the Chief emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time he returns, he finds that the Ensign has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his side, the Chief asks the Ensign, What Happened to him.

The Ensign looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked, Who's that on the balcony next to the Chief.

The Weight of the Glass

Once upon a time a psychology professor walked around on a stage while teaching stress management principles to an auditorium filled with students.  As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” question.  Instead, with a smile on her face, the professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”

Students shouted out answers ranging from eight ounces to a couple pounds.

She replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass doesn’t matter.  It all depends on how long I hold it.  If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light.  If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache a little.  If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor.  In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”

As the class shook their heads in agreement, she continued, “Your stresses and worries in life are very much like this glass of water.  Think about them for a while and nothing happens.  Think about them a bit longer and you begin to ache a little.  Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed – incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”

The Moral of the Story is:  It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses and worries.  No matter what happens during the day, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.  Don’t carry them through the night and into the next day with you.  If you still feel the weight of yesterday’s stress, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the glass down. 

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I  planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or maybe twice.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

My theory on aging is two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?