SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

You know you're getting old-

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

10 Guinness' in 10 Minutes               

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

You know you're getting old   good one 

Make women happy - Demerit Point System explained

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed ....................+1

* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0

* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1

* You leave the toilet seat up.............-5

* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0

* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

* in the snow...............+8

* but return with beer..........-5

* and no liners....................-25

* You check out a suspicious noise at night....... 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

* You pummel it with a six iron...........+10

* It's her cat.........................-40

HER BIRTHDAY

* You take her out to dinner................ 0

* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1

* Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2

* And it's all-you-can-eat night....-3

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team......-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

* Go with a pal.........................+5

* The pal is happily married............+4

* Or frighteningly single...............-7

* And he drives a Ferrari...............-10

* With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)........-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

* You take her to a movie...............+2

* You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

* You take her to a movie you hate......+6

* You take her to a movie you like......-2

* It's called Death Cop 3...............-3

* Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....-9

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable pot belly.............-15

* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it...............................+10

* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30

* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."......-800

THE BIG QUESTION (a no win question)

* She asks, "Do I look fat?"

* You hesitate in responding.....-10

* You reply, "Where?"............-35

* Any other response.............-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

* You listen, displaying a concerned expression...... 0

* You listen, for over 30 minutes....................+5

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..................................+100

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep....-200

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A woman and her 10 year-old boy were riding in a cab in Sydney. It was raining, and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy, "What are the women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work." she replied.

The taxi driver turns and says, "Why don't you tell him the truth?" They're hookers and they have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mum?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "What happens to the babies these women have?"

Without batting an eye she said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

become taxi driver- a good one

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

Animal Super Bowl ~  lol

When asked to comment about the size of the new paperback version of "Understanding Women", Bonnie said the following:

The publisher also finished "Understanding Men" and bound copies measure almost 2 inches thick"

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

True Political Story

Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the first night of one of his plays.

Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."

Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night. Bring a friend if you have one."