SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life...you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony...YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED 30! We had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone.

But wait! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

The 10 Best Caddy Replies

# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish...

A leading politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say a few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I'd been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a TV set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and had given VD to his sister !"

"I was appalled. But as the days went on, I realized all my people were not like that, and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of kind and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk..." I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."      

Moral:   NEVER,NEVER,NEVER BE LATE !

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

dustbusterz

I think old George Carlin's Views on Aging said it all-lol

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Bonnie 

THEY WALK AMONG US.....

Difference between Knowledge and Wisdom:

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

in Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

sponse to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

In Response to 3 Therapy Appointments Weekly for the Lady by Hal

Love it  🙂

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

You Bet Ya, he is a wise man huh?  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Wow, Glad I'm Never late