SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

While repeating their wedding vows, the groom pipes up and says, "How worse? Give me the worst-case scenario."

Funeral services will be held tomorrow at 3p.m.

another one from my cousin's email------

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't

understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. 

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

-----Guess where I am now...

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by libbyboi

That's a cute one, Libby..thanks for posting !

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

It all began with an IPhone.. March was when my son celebrated his 15th Birthday and I got him an IPhone. He loved it, and I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an IPad.

My daughter's Birthday was in August, so I got her an IPodTouch. September came and so for my wife's Birthday I got her an IRON .... it was then the fight started. What my wife failed to recognize is that the IRON can be integrated into the home network with the IWASH, ICOOK, and ICLEAN...

This unfortunately activated the INAG App.   which led me to the IHOSPITAL..... I get out on Thursday.  

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation--- no one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims,... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife a Honda mini-van to transport their children."

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children !" More sighs and applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88 stands and announces with a smile..."If the Preacher stays...I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 yr. old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies...

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said..."Screw him!"   

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                     BEST CADDY REMARKS

Golfer:    "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.

Caddy:   " Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer:   " Please stop checking your watch all the time, it's too much of a distraction."

Caddy:  " It's not a watch, it's a compass!"

Golfer:   " How do you like my game?"

Caddy:  " Very good...but personally I prefer golf."

Golfer:  " Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy:  "The way you play, it's a sin everyday!"

Don't know if these were entered before, but  two cute gotchas.
WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS' 







 
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Oldies, but goodies.......

           NURSERY RHYMES WITH A TWIST

Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead...

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To have a little fun....

Stupid Jill forgot the pill,

And now they have a son.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle

All over the bedside clock....

The little dog laughed to see such fun,

Then died of electric shock!

                   KNOWLEDGE VS. WISDOM 

Knowledge, is knowing that a tomato is a fruit..

Wisdom,  is not putting it in a fruit salad.

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

cute one,Libby 'HEBREWS' lol 

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped  at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"  A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."