Community Champion ⭐⭐

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Forum|Forum|16 years ago
July 12, 2010
2655 replies
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Community Champion ⭐⭐

When you think of it, God has to be the best inventor of all time.... He took a rib from Adam and made a loud speaker...

B

BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

Did you know that dolphins are so smart, that within just a few weeks in captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

B

BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mail box informing me that I can have sex at 73 !

I'm SOOOOOO happy, because I live at unit 67....

So that's not far to walk home afterwards.

Hal

Contributor ⭐⭐

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

I'm confused, Bonnie. Why this new web page, when the old Share A Joke Today still works? But then, on the other hand, I'm easily confused...

Anyway, here's a rare image:

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

--HalNow

B

BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY:

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10
I'm confused, Bonnie. Why this new web page, when the old Share A Joke Today still works? But then, on the other hand, I'm easily confused...
Anyway, here's a rare image:
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

--HalNow

Hi Hal ! I was not aware anything from the old site still worked...... anyhow , if you're confused you've come to the right place. LOL
Thanks for sharing the ' rare image' (I think)..... LOL
Here's one for you.
For his 70th Birthday, Bob decides he wants to experience jumping from an airplane. He puts on the chute, and takes the plunge...
On the way down his chute won't open and as he is fumbling with the cords he's met in mid air by a guy on his way UP !....
Bob yells, "Hey buddy, do you know anything about parachutes?" The guy yells back, "No, do you know anything about gas furnaces?"

JanieB

Contributor ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by Hal

I got this one in E-mail:

Where did grits come from? Nobody knows.

Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.

These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.

Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1,000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in Mississippi and Alabama, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat.

As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam.  These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in theSinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1,000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies and were kept from the public due to their rarity.

The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemimato to her friends).

The 10 Commandments of Grits
I.      Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II.     Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III.    Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
IV.    Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits
V.     Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
VI     Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits
IX.    Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch
X.     Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven

How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.

Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1. Therefore, for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

Now, begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)

Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think it's Cream of Wheat.

CAJUN BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS

May the lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
AMEN

…as for me, I like it fried and served as a slab of ‘mush’ with salt n pepper

B

BonnieC10Author

Community Champion ⭐⭐

In Response to Re: RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

"Hello, is this the FBI"?

"Yes, what do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call ,sir."

The next day the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.... they swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy, did the FBI come?"

"Yeah."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy !"

Hal

Contributor ⭐⭐

This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't
make this stuff up!)

Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed
down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recenthit..
no flies, no smell.. What business could that poor kitty have had
here?' murmured Ellen..'

Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was
explaining,'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use
this tissue.. .'

She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue
paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag
and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their
goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left
Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while
they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed
over to K & W Cafeteria.
They went through the serving line and sat down at a window table.
They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the
trunk.

BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a large woman in a
red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way
and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She
quickly walked out of their line of vision.. Kay and Ellen shot each
other a wide-eyed look of amazement.

It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to
respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of
that woman!' Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was
building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female
thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she
noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.
Following her gaze, Kay recognized the large woman in the red
gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was
brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:
After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from
theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually
lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side
to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables
over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The
noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor,
wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant
quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call
911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who
remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the large woman with the
red gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a
gurney.

Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting
ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw
of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the
ambulance doors....... ......... the Kohl's Bag perched on her
stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things! AND once in a
while...He allows us to witness!

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

JanieB

Contributor ⭐⭐

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

From a friend:

Thanks to Dobhran.

And here's your joke:

You'll Get Your Quilt!

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."