Contributor ⭐⭐

Not my first time grieving

Forum|Forum|2 years ago
July 5, 2024
80 replies
38426 views

I was hoping that having been though this before, I would have an easier time of it this time, but apparently this looks just like the last time. I'm walking around in a fog.

So I just have to be kind to myself. Take plenty of walks (sunshine helps). Eat healthy (I lost 20 lbs while caretaking) Sleep if I can when I can.

And find support... here I am.

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SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 Good Morning my friend!!!

HOPE you were able to sleep LAST NIGHT.

I just fed Mr. 🐈, my 6am ET wake up call or I would still be in bed and probably stay in it ALL DAY. Knowing he is OUTSIDE my door waiting, makes me get up as soon as my 2 alarms go off.

MONDAYS are my Kroger Day to cash in any WINNING Scratch-Off Lottery tickets. I also REINVEST. I only do the $1 and $2 ones and just for a FUN and a reason to LEAVE my Studio Apt. My buddy David at their Customer Service counter is on vacation. Fellow OLD person.

Any plans for TODAY? 🤔

Luv you my friend,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

I got a few hours of sleep. I’m thinking through the details of taking Stephen’s ashes to his final destination. Over and over I play out every detail to make sure it goes smoothly. I am the only one that will be there but I’m obsessing over the weather, making sure I have a snack to keep my blood sugar up but not too far up. I also used Google maps to see where the docks are at and where to check in. I keep replaying every detail in my mind. Nope very little sleep last night. Hope for a nap today as I bet I will not sleep tonight either. But then after tomorrow, I will be able to stop thinking about it. I am an obsessive worrier.

Hope you have a nice day.

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 It's the other chatterbox checking on you Dr. Diane aka Dr. Walker = was thinking of you dear friend.

Did you walk? 🤔

Dog park? 🤔

And that NAP you mentioned? 🤔

So IF I am NOT having one of my Senior Moments/lol 🤣😂 TOMORROW is the day to - how do you say it? - maybe, spread Stephen's ashes OR release???

Me, was RAINING but I did go to Kroger and guess what. My buddy David was back from his Stay Home Vacation.

Was CHALLENGED when I arrived with a LINE. 😭😭😭

Usually there is NONE.

The lady IN FRONT of me was TAKING FOREVER.

And I had a YOUNGSTER behind me BREATHING DOWN MY NECK!!! 😤😤😤

Really???

With COVID and whatever else is out there still KILLING folks over AGE 65.

That is WHY I have to be CRAWLING MY STUDIO APT walls to be out when it is not mandatory like medical appts.

Over having to ASK for personal space EVEN when there was NO pandemic. Gosh. 🙄🙄🙄

Boy did he have a NASTY attitude when I NICELY explained I am over age 65, COVID is still killing us and I DO NOT have family in Virginia to take care of me IF I get sick.

So the OTHER NICOLE surfaced as his a.s was still all up in mine.

Lol, he BACKED UP quick and David was smiling as he OLD like me.

Then went to BIG LOT and a total waste of my time. ZERO interest in anything there.

Luv you,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

Let’s see if I can answer all your questions.
Yes I did walk.

@SummerOnTheWay1 wrote:
🙄🙄🙄 It's the other chatterbox checking on you Dr. Diane aka Dr. Walker = was thinking of you dear friend.

Did you walk? 🤔

Dog park? 🤔

And that NAP you mentioned? 🤔

So IF I am NOT having one of my Senior Moments/lol 🤣😂 TOMORROW is the day to - how do you say it? - maybe, spread Stephen's ashes OR release???

Me, was RAINING but I did go to Kroger and guess what. My buddy David was back from his Stay Home Vacation.

Was CHALLENGED when I arrived with a LINE. 😭😭😭

Usually there is NONE.

The lady IN FRONT of me was TAKING FOREVER.

And I had a YOUNGSTER behind me BREATHING DOWN MY NECK!!! 😤😤😤

Really???

With COVID and whatever else is out there still KILLING folks over AGE 65.

That is WHY I have to be CRAWLING MY STUDIO APT walls to be out when it is not mandatory like medical appts.

Over having to ASK for personal space EVEN when there was NO pandemic. Gosh. 🙄🙄🙄

Boy did he have a NASTY attitude when I NICELY explained I am over age 65, COVID is still killing us and I DO NOT have family in Virginia to take care of me IF I get sick.

So the OTHER NICOLE surfaced as his a.s was still all up in mine.

Lol, he BACKED UP quick and David was smiling as he OLD like me.

Then went to BIG LOT and a total waste of my time. ZERO interest in anything there.

Luv you,
Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

I did not go to the dog park but I got an invitation to lunch with the group for Wednesday afternoon so I accepted that.
No nap. I spent hours on the phone with social security trying to get my $225 one time death benefit. Most of that time I was on hold.

I got another Doctor bill today so I need to call the VA again. SIGH

I still have One issue at the bank to settle. SIGH

But tomorrow I will get some flowers for Stephen and some cash for the deck hand’s tip. And I need to make myself presentable for our boat ride. Hope it does not rain.

So it is a busy day tomorrow.

I bet I sleep tonight. I’m done in.
Sorry about the problems trying to shop. Takes all the fun out of it. I use self checkout at my grocery store. But I do have to stand in line at the pharmacy. SIGH

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. HUGS

I

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 I ALWAYS use Self Checkout when there is one. It is either that or go to jail or get trespassed from property for SLAPPING the cashier.

This was the KROGER CUSTOMER SERVICE desk. Apparently she was getting wired money???

Sorry about the Social Security and Medical bill. I am guessing Stephen was a Veteran???

They just DO NOT care these days and I am SO GRATEFUL when I run across a decent person.

Right NOW I am SO FULL of hate for the UPSTAIRS neighbors from h.ll and want to MOVE FORWARD where I am NOT hating. Lol, some of them I can AVOID but some I have to deal with.

Anyway, working on OPTIONS while I wait out my daughter's 4/11/24 layoff in Florida. Still fighting for her Unemployment as other engineers who got laid off are. She has a mortgage and car note. 😭😭😭

But she NEVER complains and SO STRONG. I am the WEAK one, worrying.

What TIME is your BOAT RIDE tomorrow? 🤔

Lol, I NOW give Mr. 30 minutes to RETURN to snack [like now] before I CLOSE my door.

He is is LOUNGING under Roz's Jeep and totally ignored me when I went to get his attention from my door.

NOT going OUTSIDE to run into the a.sholes from UPSTAIRS or Ms. Daycare aka b from next door.

SO GRATEFUL for Roz who is on the OTHER side of my Studio Apt. She has a Studio Apt. Really nice, feeds cat, has an indoor cat named Sweetie.

I am here ALWAYS my friend.

Luv you,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

[*** DIANE wrote: Let’s see if I can answer all your questions.
Yes I did walk.

I did not go to the dog park but I got an invitation to lunch with the group for Wednesday afternoon so I accepted that.
No nap. I spent hours on the phone with social security trying to get my $225 one time death benefit. Most of that time I was on hold.

I got another Doctor bill today so I need to call the VA again. SIGH

I still have One issue at the bank to settle. SIGH

But tomorrow I will get some flowers for Stephen and some cash for the deck hand’s tip. And I need to make myself presentable for our boat ride. Hope it does not rain.

So it is a busy day tomorrow.

I bet I sleep tonight. I’m done in.
Sorry about the problems trying to shop. Takes all the fun out of it. I use self checkout at my grocery store. But I do have to stand in line at the pharmacy. SIGH

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. HUGS ***]

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 Dear friend, please be SAFE to and from your boat ride TODAY to send Stephen on his way. I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU!!! Luv you, Nicole

@DianeB887812

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

Everything is packed and ready to go.
Flowers - check

food and drinks - check

Stephen - check

snipers to open his bag - check

A small snap lid container for the Dog park sample - check

sweater in case they have the cabin on freeze - check

extra diapers in case my cystitis kicks in - check

cash for the deckhand tip - check

All Packed and ready to go.

I’ll get back in touch when I recover from this bit.

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 Dear Diane, you should NOW be on the boat (2 hour trip). YOU are in my thoughts and should be back home maybe by 10pm ET I hope. I won't say Goodnight as yet.

Be SAFE,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

[*** DIANE wrote: I have to be at the dock at 5:00 pm. It is a two hour ride out to the place where his ashes go then a two hour ride back. It will be dark by then. And I can not drive in the dark … hence UBER to the rescue. ***]

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

The boat captain called me at 1:00 pm and asked if I could come early. Soooo I have already finished and am back home. I had everything ready when he called so all I had to do was call Uber. I got my ride in 2 minutes. The boat ride was only slightly choppy on the way out. I stood hanging on to the hand holds all boats have and watched as we made our way through Fort Lauderdale canals and out the inlet. Then on to the drop zone. Blue skies and 2 ft seas. Perfect weather. The Captain positioned the boat perfectly. I had no problem emptying Stephen’s ashes at the planned location. The wind was kind and none of the ash blew onto me. Then I marked the location with a large bouquet of red white and blue flowers ( in honor of his military service). Finally the captain took a course circling the flowers so that I could spend a last time with Stephen. Finally we came back to port. Sun fully out and seas calm. All was right with the world. In short it was perfect. Everything I wanted for him happened. The Uber ride home took me up A1A which let me continue to look out on the ocean. I did not ask for that, it just happened that way.
I am at peace. Stephen is at peace. All is right in the world.

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 Diane, I am SO GLAD you went early. I was concerned about you being out there at night.

So what have you been doing - Nosey Nicole wants to know. 🙄🙄🙄

Luv you,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 From 1 night owl to the other night owl, heading to eat my pizza, then soak. Lol, ONLY water AFTER midnight for my 8:15am ET Quest Diagnostics bloodwork. 😭😭😭

Crying for BOTH as I like to snack and that needle!!!

Luv you,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

The hard part of fasting blood work is I can’t have my morning coffee. So regardless of when my appt is scheduled, I go to the testing site as soon as I wake up. That helps me have a urine sample for them as well. The needle poke does not bother me in the least because I poke myself plenty of times as a diabetic. It has been a long time since they gave me a painful poke. Most of the time I do not feel anything.

I hope to hear you also have a painless poke today.

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 Diane 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

Good morning. I did get some good sleep last night. Today I will have lunch with my Dog Park friends. At some point I need to get some maintenance done on the car. Oil change and rotate the tires. I figure that by October I will be done with everything I have to do regarding Stephen’s death.

Yesterday left more than just sad painful memories for me to think on. I was so happy it was a beautiful process laying him to rest. I can’t describe how much at peace I am. I smile every time I remember details of yesterday. Healing thoughts for everyone reading this.

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 How was your LUNCH with your Dog Park Friends? Hmmm, I THINK I may have found MY HAPPY PLACE. Petsmart!!! 💃💃💃

They just had an ADOOPTION EVENT and the cats stay there. I seem to remember from reading they ROTATE them out.

Lol, BUT HUMANS 🤔🤔🤔

Anyway, will see HOW I feel and WHAT life tells me to do. NOT tying myself down like I did with Angels of Assiss. Unfortunately they handle the adoptions and so on at Petsmart.

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

We packed10 people into this tiny sandwich and salad shop. It was fun. Food was ok. What a wild bunch of women. I enjoyed it bunches as I got to laugh and be silly for a while.

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 Dr. Diane aka Dr. Walker, looks like I may have Diabetes and Kidney Issues which my mom had (deceased). She also had High Blood Pressure like me. She was on diayslis before she died in her sleep back in 2018. I looked up stuff on Google 🙄🙄🙄. SO GLAD my MEDICARE doctor does NOT leave until 10/18 of this year.

@DianeB887812

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

Do not panic about the diabetes But do pay attention to the warning your body is sending you. I have lived 40 years with diabetes. You can too.

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 Good Morning 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

Yawwwwwn

GOOD MORNING!

I got some good sleep lastnight! Nothing worrying me to interrupt my sleep. I think I feel human today

How about you?

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 I slept myself, any plans? 🤔

@DianeB887812

SummerOnTheWay1

Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐

📎 Hi Diane!!!

Have you put any weight BACK ON? 🤔

What is HELPING you to sleep? 🤔

Luv that per your post BELOW, Sunshine helps - me too. 👍👍👍

I am holding my breath for when you get your furbaby!!! 💃🐕

Luv you,

Nicole 🤗🤗🤗

@DianeB887812

[*** DIANE wrote: I was hoping that having been though this before, I would have an easier time of it this time, but apparently this looks just like the last time. I'm walking around in a fog.

So I just have to be kind to myself. Take plenty of walks (sunshine helps). Eat healthy (I lost 20 lbs while caretaking) Sleep if I can when I can.

And find support... here I am. ***]

D

DianeB887812Author

Contributor ⭐⭐

Yep weight is rising.

Sleep is helped by watching movies I’ve seen before, playing Majong until my eyes can’t stay open, and an OTC. called melatonin (5 mgm). Talk with your Doctor before taking that sleep aid.

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