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Funny Stories and Life Experiences

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Funny Stories and Life Experiences

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your paradeโ€ฆ
So remember this story the next time โ€ฆ

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks itโ€™s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: โ€œWho screwed up your hair?โ€

 

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What about the elk!

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I'm ready for Spring! How about you?
Well it might be Spring on the calendar tomarow but someone forgot to tell Mother Nature!!!

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Fifty Shades of Life

โ€œShe sat at the back and they said she was shy,
She led from the front and they hated her pride,
They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance,
They branded her loud, then were shocked by her silence,
When she shared no ambition they said it was sad,
So she told them her dreams and they said she was mad,
They told her they'd listen, then covered their ears,
And gave her a hug while they laughed at her fears,
And she listened to all of it thinking she should,
Be the girl they told her to be best as she could,
But one day she asked what was best for herself,
Instead of trying to please everyone else,
So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees,
She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves,
She spoke to the willow, the elm and the pine,
And she told them what she'd been told time after time,
She told them she felt she was never enough,
She was either too little or far far too much,
Too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak,
Too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek,
Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs,
And she stopped...and she heard what the trees said to her,
And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave,
For the forest said nothing, it just let her breathe"

Unknown

Join us Fifty Shades of Life

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Wow, so amazing. This made me tear up!

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Iโ€™m not sure how many I have, but here goes nothing. Because this means a lot to me personally; I'm going to make a bet, that out of my friends, 10 will take the time to put this on their wall to help raise awareness of Mental Health (PTSD, depression, anxiety, and other mental health diagnoses) difficulties. โค๏ธ
Dave โ€™doneโ€™

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How to stay young!

1. Try everything twice.

On one womanโ€™s tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:

โ€œTried everything twice. Loved it both times!โ€

2. Keep only cheerful friends.

The grouches pull you down.

(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

3. Keep learning:

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whateverโ€ฆ

Never let the brain get idle. โ€˜An idle mind is the devilโ€™s workshop.โ€™

And the devilโ€™s name is Alzheimerโ€™s!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.

Laugh until you gasp for breath.

And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen:

Endure, grieve, and move on.

The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. (and God is with me)

LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love:

Whether itโ€™s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever โ€ฆ

Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:

If it is good, preserve it.

If it is unstable, improve it.

If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Donโ€™t take guilt trips..

Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is (usually the past or the future)

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

I love you, my special friend.

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LIFE NEVER GETS OLD

 

  • ~ Your kids are becoming youโ€ฆbut your grandchildren are perfect!
  • ~ Going out is goodโ€ฆ Coming home is better!
  • ~ You forget namesโ€ฆBut itโ€™s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!
  • ~ You realize youโ€™re never going to be really good at anythingโ€ฆespecially golf.
  • ~ The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you donโ€™t care to do them anymore.
  • ~ You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. Itโ€™s called โ€œpre-sleepโ€.
  • ~ You miss the days when everything worked with just an โ€œONโ€ and โ€œOFFโ€ switch..
  • ~ You tend to use more 4 letter words โ€ฆ โ€œwhat?โ€โ€ฆโ€when?โ€โ€ฆ ??
  • ~ Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, itโ€™s not safe to wear it anywhere.
  • ~ You notice everything they sell in stores is โ€œsleevelessโ€?
  • ~ What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
  • ~ Everybody whispers.
  • ~ You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closetโ€ฆ. 2 of which you will never wear.
  • ~ But โ€œoldโ€ is good in some things:  Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
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My two year old grand daughter, Emma, spent the night with me last night. When we awoke this morning, all snuggled together, she playfully pointed to my stomach and asked,โ€ Whatโ€™s that Mamaw?โ€

I said, โ€œMy fat belly.โ€

Again she pointed and questioned me. โ€œWhatโ€™s that Mamaw?โ€

I answered,โ€ Thatโ€™s Mamawโ€™s belly button. Do you have a belly button?โ€

Emma proudly pulled her shirt up and told me, โ€œThereโ€™s my belly button Mamaw! Just like yours!โ€

She then pointed one last time, this time to my chest.โ€ You have boobs Mamaw. Mine are all gone.โ€

I explained and assured her that her chest would grow as she grew.

She then informed me, โ€œWell Mamaw, I want purple ones!โ€

Dear Lord donโ€™t let me get Alzheimers! I want to remember this precious moment!

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" I exclaimed, "No" said the Vet, "because he's really heavy" ๐Ÿ˜‚

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A retired doctor became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: โ€œDr. Geezerโ€™s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.โ€

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didnโ€™t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$$. So he went to Dr. Geezerโ€™s clinic.

Dr. Young: โ€œDr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?โ€

Dr. Geezer: โ€œNurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Youngโ€™s mouth.โ€

Dr. Young: โ€œAaagh! โ€” This is gasoline!โ€

Dr. Geezer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your taste back. That will be $500.โ€

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: โ€œI have lost my memory; I cannot remember anything.โ€

Dr. Geezer: โ€œNurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patientโ€™s mouth.โ€

Dr. Young: โ€œOh, no you donโ€™t โ€ฆ that is gasoline!โ€

Dr. Geezer: โ€œCongratulations! Youโ€™ve got your memory back. That will be $500.โ€

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: โ€œMy eyesight has become weak; I can hardly see anything!โ€

Dr. Geezer: โ€œWell, I donโ€™t have any medicine for that so, hereโ€™s your $1000 backโ€ (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: โ€œBut this is only $10!โ€

Dr. Geezer: โ€œCongratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.โ€

Moral of story: Just because youโ€™re โ€œyoungโ€ doesnโ€™t mean that you can outsmart an โ€œold Geezer.โ€

Remember: Donโ€™t make old people mad. We donโ€™t like being old in the first place, so it doesnโ€™t take much to tick us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!

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Join me in Thanking all medical professionals! Repost this where ever you can.

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ON DEC. 6, 1941, U.S. STAYS LULLED ON EVE OF WAR The Japanese  Threat Is Greeted With Bluster, Contempt on DECEMBER 6, 1941

By Doug Struck
Baltimore Sun
Dec 05, 1991 at 12:00 am
 

America sees but will not believe. The evidence is there, screaming at them every morning in the newspaper headlines: Japanese Forces Move on Thailand; Negotiations Falter; War with Japan Looms. In the war rooms and the White House, smart men read the secret diplomatic mail from Japan, messages that order important papers burned, seek detailed whereabouts of U.S. warships and talk of impending deadlines.

They read, but they do not react. Even those who expect the worst are lulled by the talk on the street, the scoff of Everyman, the bluster of Joe at the shop and neighbor Sally: "The Japanese would never be crazy enough to attack us."

Yes we were forwarded! An so it has lived on in the history books yet today and beyond!

On draft No. 1, Roosevelt changed "a date which will live in world history" to "a date which will live in infamy," providing the speech its most famous phrase and giving birth to the term, "day of infamy," which December 7, 1941, is often called.

A few words later, he changed his report that the United States of America was "simultaneously and deliberately attacked" to "suddenly and deliberately attacked." At the end of the first sentence, he wrote the words, "without warning," but later crossed them out.

Thus that first historic sentenceโ€”the one that is usually quoted from the speechโ€”was born: "Yesterday, December 7, 1941โ€”a date which will live in infamyโ€”the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan."

There were other changes in that first draft also. At one point, Roosevelt noted that the distance from Japan to Hawaii meant that the attack must have been planned "many days ago." He changed that to "many days or even weeks ago." Historians now know that the Japanese had considered a surprise attack on Pearl Harbor for many years.

 

Pearl Harbor: Before the Attack!

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Many truths in here, I hope you enjoy.
โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”โ€”

I counted my years
and realized that I have
Less time to live by,
Than I have lived so far.

I feel like a child who won a pack of candies: at first he ate them with pleasure
But when he realized that there was little left, he began to taste them intensely.

I have no time for endless meetings
where the statutes, rules, procedures & internal regulations are discussed,
knowing that nothing will be done.

I no longer have the patience
To stand absurd people who,
despite their chronological age,
have not grown up.

My time is too short:
I want the essence,
my spirit is in a hurry.
I do not have much candy
In the package anymore.

I want to live next to humans,
very realistic people who know
How to laugh at their mistakes,
Who are not inflated by their own triumphs
and who take responsibility for their actions.
In this way, human dignity is defended
and we live in truth and honesty.

It is the essentials that make life useful.
I want to surround myself with people
who know how to touch the hearts of those whom hard strokes of life
have taught to grow with sweet touches of the soul.

Yes, I'm in a hurry.
I'm in a hurry to live with the intensity that only maturity can bring.
I do not intend to waste any of the remaining desserts.
I am sure they will be exquisite,
much more than those eaten so far.
My goal is to reach the end satisfied
and at peace with my loved ones and my conscience.

We have two lives
and the second begins when you realize you only have one.

~ Mario de Andrade

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Daylight Saving Time 2022: When do clocks โ€˜fall backโ€™ this year? Daylight Savings Time explained.

The end of Daylight Saving Time for 2022 arrives this weekend when the clock will โ€œfall backโ€ one hour and in theory we get one extra hour of sleep.

Daylight Saving Time concludes at 2 a.m. on Sunday, Nov. 6, 2022.

The sun will set in Newark at 5:48 p.m. on Saturday. The following day โ€” after Daylight Saving time concludes โ€” sunset is more than an hour earlier at 4:47 p.m.

Every state except Hawaii and Arizona currently observes daylight saving time. But each year, more states say it's time to stop futzing with the clock and embrace daylight saving time year-round.

Anna Blazhuk/Getty Images

Millions of Americans want to abandon the time change we endure twice each year, disrupting our circadian rhythms and creating confusion. More than a third of U.S. states now back a permanent shift to daylight saving time. If that happens, it would be a final victory for a plan that businesses have praised for more than 100 years.

For 2022, daylight saving time officially ends at 2 a.m. on Sunday, Nov. 6.

Daylight saving time is a moneymaker

When daylight saving was extended into early November 15 years ago, many saw the U.S. candy industry as a winner, since the extra hour of daylight could drive sales of more Halloween treats.

But support among businesses ran much deeper than that, according to time-change expert Michael Downing, a professor at Tufts University who wrote Spring Forward: The Annual Madness of Daylight Saving Time.

"What we don't tend to know as Americans is that the biggest lobby on behalf of daylight saving since 1915 in this country โ€” and to this very day โ€” is the Chamber of Commerce," Downing, who died earlier this year, said in a 2015 video about daylight saving.

The end of Daylight Saving Time for 2022 arrives this weekend when the clock will โ€œfall backโ€ one hour and in theory we get one extra hour of sleep.

Daylight Saving Time concludes at 2 a.m. on Sunday, Nov. 6, 2022.

The sun will set in Newark at 5:48 p.m. on Saturday. The following day โ€” after Daylight Saving time concludes โ€” sunset is more than an hour earlier at 4:47 p.m.

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