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DaveMcK
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
November 6, 2017

Funny Stories and Life Experiences

  • November 6, 2017
  • 601 replies
  • 500528 views

New topic featuring funny stories. 

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…
So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: “Who screwed up your hair?”

 ‐‐------------------------

601 replies

DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
November 9, 2022

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
November 16, 2022

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
November 29, 2022

Many truths in here, I hope you enjoy.
———————————

I counted my years
and realized that I have
Less time to live by,
Than I have lived so far.

I feel like a child who won a pack of candies: at first he ate them with pleasure
But when he realized that there was little left, he began to taste them intensely.

I have no time for endless meetings
where the statutes, rules, procedures & internal regulations are discussed,
knowing that nothing will be done.

I no longer have the patience
To stand absurd people who,
despite their chronological age,
have not grown up.

My time is too short:
I want the essence,
my spirit is in a hurry.
I do not have much candy
In the package anymore.

I want to live next to humans,
very realistic people who know
How to laugh at their mistakes,
Who are not inflated by their own triumphs
and who take responsibility for their actions.
In this way, human dignity is defended
and we live in truth and honesty.

It is the essentials that make life useful.
I want to surround myself with people
who know how to touch the hearts of those whom hard strokes of life
have taught to grow with sweet touches of the soul.

Yes, I'm in a hurry.
I'm in a hurry to live with the intensity that only maturity can bring.
I do not intend to waste any of the remaining desserts.
I am sure they will be exquisite,
much more than those eaten so far.
My goal is to reach the end satisfied
and at peace with my loved ones and my conscience.

We have two lives
and the second begins when you realize you only have one.

~ Mario de Andrade

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
December 7, 2022

ON DEC. 6, 1941, U.S. STAYS LULLED ON EVE OF WAR The Japanese  Threat Is Greeted With Bluster, Contempt on DECEMBER 6, 1941

By Doug Struck
Baltimore Sun
Dec 05, 1991 at 12:00 am
 

America sees but will not believe. The evidence is there, screaming at them every morning in the newspaper headlines: Japanese Forces Move on Thailand; Negotiations Falter; War with Japan Looms. In the war rooms and the White House, smart men read the secret diplomatic mail from Japan, messages that order important papers burned, seek detailed whereabouts of U.S. warships and talk of impending deadlines.

They read, but they do not react. Even those who expect the worst are lulled by the talk on the street, the scoff of Everyman, the bluster of Joe at the shop and neighbor Sally: "The Japanese would never be crazy enough to attack us."

Yes we were forwarded! An so it has lived on in the history books yet today and beyond!

On draft No. 1, Roosevelt changed "a date which will live in world history" to "a date which will live in infamy," providing the speech its most famous phrase and giving birth to the term, "day of infamy," which December 7, 1941, is often called.

A few words later, he changed his report that the United States of America was "simultaneously and deliberately attacked" to "suddenly and deliberately attacked." At the end of the first sentence, he wrote the words, "without warning," but later crossed them out.

Thus that first historic sentence—the one that is usually quoted from the speech—was born: "Yesterday, December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan."

There were other changes in that first draft also. At one point, Roosevelt noted that the distance from Japan to Hawaii meant that the attack must have been planned "many days ago." He changed that to "many days or even weeks ago." Historians now know that the Japanese had considered a surprise attack on Pearl Harbor for many years.

 

Pearl Harbor: Before the Attack!

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
December 19, 2022

Join me in Thanking all medical professionals! Repost this where ever you can.

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
January 13, 2023

 

A retired doctor became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: “Dr. Geezer’s Clinic. Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.”

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $$$. So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.

Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Aaagh! — This is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory; I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t … that is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak; I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so, here’s your $1000 back” (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: “But this is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”

Moral of story: Just because you’re “young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an “old Geezer.”

Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.

ENJOY YOUR DAY!

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
January 14, 2023

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" I exclaimed, "No" said the Vet, "because he's really heavy" 😂

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
January 25, 2023

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
February 3, 2023

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper
DaveMcK
DaveMcKAuthor
Community Champion ⭐⭐⭐
February 6, 2023

My two year old grand daughter, Emma, spent the night with me last night. When we awoke this morning, all snuggled together, she playfully pointed to my stomach and asked,” What’s that Mamaw?”

I said, “My fat belly.”

Again she pointed and questioned me. “What’s that Mamaw?”

I answered,” That’s Mamaw’s belly button. Do you have a belly button?”

Emma proudly pulled her shirt up and told me, “There’s my belly button Mamaw! Just like yours!”

She then pointed one last time, this time to my chest.” You have boobs Mamaw. Mine are all gone.”

I explained and assured her that her chest would grow as she grew.

She then informed me, “Well Mamaw, I want purple ones!”

Dear Lord don’t let me get Alzheimers! I want to remember this precious moment!

 

Posted by Dave the Lighthouse Keeper