SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

      FUN VALENTINE RIDDLES ! ♥♥♥

1. How do you get a hocky player to kiss you?

ans.  Just pucker up.

2.  How did the Knight see the Princess in the dark?

ans.  He used a Knight light.

3.  Why did the fig go out with the prune?

ans.  Because it couldn't get a date. 

                                  ♥♥♥♥

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION A FEW YEARS AGO. THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss...

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed !

T thought that I could love no other..

Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head!

Of loving beauty you float with grace...

If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot...

This describes everything you are not!

I want to feel your sweet embrace...

But don't take that paper bag off of your face.  

Entries cont:

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes...

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife...

Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming...

That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away...

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell...

Except for maybe "Go To Hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.   ♥♥♥

                     REDNECK LOVE POEM

Collards is green...

my dog's name is Blue.

And I'm so lucky..

to have a sweet thang like you !

Yore hair is like cornsilk..

a-flappin' in the breeze..

Softer than Blue's

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass..

which excite me in May..

You ain't got no scales..

but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry..

jist a fry'n in the pan..

Yo're as fragrant as 'snuff'

right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,

for which I am proud..

I hold my head high

when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,

When you shave under yore arms..

Well, I'm in hawg heaven..

and awed by yore charms.

Them fellas at work

they all want to know..

what I did to deserve,

such a purdy yung doe!

Like a good roll of duct tape,

yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles..

and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a Junebug..

a-buzzin' overhead..

You ain't mean like those far ants,

I found in my bed.

(to be cont.)

Redneck love poem cont.

Cut from the best cloth..

like a plaid flannel shirt..

you spark up my life..

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight..

like a padded gunrack..

my life is complete..

Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Me 'n you's like a Moon Pie..

with a RC cold drank..

we go together..

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolates..

for Valentine's Day..

They git it at Wal-Mart..

it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses..

on that special day..

from the cooler at Kroger

"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds..

from a flea market booth..

"Diamonds are forever"

they explain suave and cooth.

But for this man, honey...

these won't do..

cause yor'e too special..

you sweet thang you !

I got you a gift..

without taste nor odor..

more useful than diamonds..

IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR !!

       HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY Y'ALL !

Two women were out for a stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, one said "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." The other lady said, "We can't, we have the dogs with us."

The lady with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

The lady with the Doberman put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.  The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The lady said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, " A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought it might be a little more difficult to convince him, but thought "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman said...............................   "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f!#@*!  Chihuahua?!"

SO GLAD EYE HALVE A SPELLING CHECKER....

I halve a spelling checker, it came with my pea sea..

It plainly marcs four my reveu miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word, and weight for it two say..

Weather eye am wrong oar rite, it shows me straight a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid, It nose bee fore two long..

And eye can put the error rite, it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no,

It's letter perfect awl the weigh, my checker tolled me sew!

HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY TO ALL ....

Husband takes his wife to a disco...

There's a guy on the dance floor living it up.

Break dancing,moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife says to hubby, "See that guy ?  25 yrs.ago he asked me to marry him and I turned him down."

Hubby says, "Looks like he's still celebrating." 

An old cowboy from Wyoming,walks into a barber shop for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off, because his cheeks are wrinkled from old age..

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cawboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

Whis he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber, "That was the cleanest shave I've had in years."  But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the ball.

The barber replies, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

                    SAY IT WITH A SIGN

Your name is not Calvin Klein. You are not an underwear model. If you want service here... PULLUP YOUR PANTS !

Please be patient. Even a toilet can only handle one a--h--- at a time !

Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk.

Teach your kids about taxes.... eat 30% of their icecream.

Either you love bacon...or your wrong.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the USA, wandering aimlessly and starving..

They are about to lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says,"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk!"

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eees a bacon tree !"

"Luis..maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree !"

With that Luis staggers towards the tree....He gets within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breathe:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees.....  Ees..........Ees...

A ham bush...